Georgianna Lee joins us to share the story of her former partner, from the magical beginnings to the unravelling of the relationship. We talk about the grief of breakups, and she shares the rest of her story when she must grieve the loss of his life. Georgianna is insightful and a calming presence, you won't want to miss this episode. Trigger warning that we do discuss suicide and mental health.
To connect further with Georgianna, you can find her on IG @georgiannalee, or follow her podcast on IG @wholeheartedloving which can also be found on any podcast platform. Her website is www.georgiannalee.com
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Thank you so much for listening. Wishing you well on whatever trail you find yourself walking today.
Georgianna Lee joins us to share the story of her former partner, from the magical beginnings to the unravelling of the relationship. We talk about the grief of breakups, and she shares the rest of her story when she must grieve the loss of his life. Georgianna is insightful and a calming presence, you won't want to miss this episode. Trigger warning that we do discuss suicide and mental health.
To connect further with Georgianna, you can find her on IG @georgiannalee, or follow her podcast on IG @wholeheartedloving which can also be found on any podcast platform. Her website is www.georgiannalee.com
Want to support the show?
Thank you so much for listening. Wishing you well on whatever trail you find yourself walking today.
Hello and welcome to the grief trails podcast. I am your host, Amanda Kernaghan with remember grams. A place to provide personalized and meaningful grief support to others. Today on the podcast is Georgeanna Lee, a counselor coach, and co-host of the podcast, whole hearted loving. Georgiana is here to share the story of her former partner, the magic of their relationship and the unraveling of it. The grief that came with the end of the relationship And the grace that came a few months later when he passed away unexpectedly. But let's start at the beginning with how Georgiana remembers their time together.
Georgianna:Our relationship was really beautiful and magical and with the grief journey, so much attention was brought to what happened after. Mm-hmm. And I think even in my own way of trying to self-protect, you know, along that grieving process, it was like, okay, where are we now and where are we moving forward to? So to be able to take a moment to reflect on where we were and what was magical about it, I really appreciate that. I had thought, I think we had both thought we had met our person, you know, and it took us both a bit of a long, bumpy road to get there in our lives. And there was just this safety, I felt like my body could just settle in his presence. And he was my biggest cheerleader, really. My biggest cheerleader. I think it was shortly after we met that he said, you have this gift and you need to share it with the world. And I was like, okay. And I just tucked that in and I was like, I don't know what he means by this yet. Or maybe I, I do know, but I'm too afraid to go there. But he was, Darryl was my biggest cheerleader and he was, So in love with my boys and his own boys, he was like a bonus dad to my kids. And he meld it in so beautifully in a way where he knew that my boys have an amazing father who's very involved and he didn't wanna step in and interrupt that or take anything over. And at the same time, he saw what an honor it was and what a gift it was for his life. To be able to contribute something to my boys and watching their bond grow over time was something that as a mom is, is a really beautiful, sweet, tender thing to watch. So we had a lot of fun together. I learned how to be silly and laugh and play with him because he embodied that so naturally and so easily. And I brought a little bit of like the we're here on earth bit to his life that I think he knew he needed and. I brought that let's be kind and gentle with ourselves, way of being and way of thinking. That I think was pretty new to him in his life. So we were a good match in a lot of those ways. Yeah, yeah. You
Mandy:know, I think it's so great to think about people who've passed away, but think about all of the things that happened prior to that. Like you said, so often, once someone passes away, we're so focused on the death and we're so focused on the aftermath. Mm-hmm. And whatever immediately preceded that. Yeah. That some of the best memories get. Sort of pushed by the wayside. So I love that you're able to tell me a little bit about who he was before and it just made me wonder how old were your kids at this time and and how long were you together? Yeah,
Georgianna:so my boys were six and eight when we met and we were together. I'm thinking like a year and a half or so. So it was like a short, yet such a significant time in all of our lives. Sometimes when we think about grieving and grieving people, society can sort of wanna tell us that if it wasn't 15 years then maybe your grief shouldn't be so big or you should be over it faster. And we just had a magical year and a half together that I know we'll be, I. A lingering piece forever in my life and my boys' lives, and even my ex-husband, you know, they connected well and they both respected each other and both saw the gifts that they each brought into the boys' lives. So that year and a half was really, really special for us. That's
Mandy:such an important recognition too, that time is not what determines your grief. So many people put all of these constraints on what, what you should do and what you shouldn't do in your grieve. And you know, this grief is worth then another type of grief. Yes. And it's just not the case. And the fact that you are able to recognize that and also model that for your boys so that they know that that relationship really did matter that they had with him.
Georgianna:I love that. Yeah. And like we're three years now, almost three years from when he died. And so when I look back and I talk to friends and I say, wow, like. It's been almost double. The time has passed since, like in, in terms of how long we even knew each other. Mm-hmm. All right. And that it doesn't matter if I still feel sad sometimes. It doesn't matter if my heart feels heavy, sometimes it doesn't matter if, you know, I'm not dating a new person yet. You know, like it's important to honor the seasons, I think of grief. Mm-hmm. And or honor timing and pacing. And that's been a really, a really welcome lesson for me. So
Mandy:you said that you had a really magical year and a half. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What happened towards the end of that time? What changed and mm-hmm. Yeah. Tell us a little bit about
Georgianna:that story. Yeah. Hearing you say that back magical year and a half, it makes me realize it was probably magical for about a year. And that's when the first lay of grief kicked in and grieving when someone is still alive, is a very different, like an unusual concept, right? Mm-hmm. What had happened was over time I had discovered some, some things that Daryl had withheld from telling me, not because he wanted to be malicious or to be deceitful, but because he held a deep shame about it and it appeared, or I, I found out with some poking and prodding and real insistence. He finally told me that he had been on medication for anxiety and depression for most of his adult life, and that was a shock to me. We had at this point shared like, In terms of intimacy and on so many levels and shared so much about ourselves and our experiences and our upbringings and our challenges and struggles and gifts and dreams, that I felt that we were at a point in our relationship where that would've been something he felt was important to share with me. And so that was really, really tough. I felt deeply hurt, angry, scared, didn't know what any of that meant. I didn't know like how that impacts him and how that would impact our life and our life moving forward. So that was a really scary and emotional time in that evening. When I found that out, he had also shared with me that he had attempted suicide twice, two years prior. Whew. And that was just, it was so big. Immediately I switched from, Feeling quite angry that he had withheld information from me to feeling like deep compassion and sadness. That this person who I loved deeply had had such a hard time in life and been at such a low point in life, and I felt real deep compassion and what a sign
Mandy:of love. I think that must be that he was, even though it took so long, and for you at first to feel angry that you didn't know that, but for something that comes with so much shame and for him, he must have felt like he needed to be in a really safe place to open up about that. I, I just think in hindsight, maybe that was a real testament to, to how
Georgianna:he felt with you. Yeah. I think that when he paused and really sat with who was across from him, He probably knew there's space here for the truth. And at the same time, I think the fear and the shame was so big and so familiar for him. You know, he, he had experienced a lot of childhood trauma and his protective pattern was to withhold information, right? Mm. Mm-hmm. And I had a, so just so much compassion for that. And at the same time, I remember, you know, us going to bed that night and just, I just felt like my world was rocked because I was like, what, what just happened? All of a sudden I have all this information. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what it's gonna mean for the future of our relationship. But we went to bed that night, I remember. And Just having a lot of care for each other because he could also see how deeply I was impacted and hurt by that. And that devastated him so much. But then, and this is how humans work, I woke up the next day and I just felt intense anger. I felt so angry, right? I felt so angry because I started to piece together all the moments where it would've made a lot of sense to share this with me. And it would've made a lot of things that were happening with how we were integrating our lives together with our children and the challenges along the way. It would've made so much sense what was happening and. I think I, I felt really deeply hurt and angry and so I was this big pile of, I feel angry, I just wanna scream at you. How could you do this to, I feel so sad that the little boy in you experienced what you experienced and, and took on those patterns of withholding in order to protect and felt such deep shame as a boy, as a young man, as a grown man, that you couldn't share this openly. And I know that he felt really scared that I would go if I found out. And the reality isn't, we spoke about it for many times. Like there were six months between when I found this out to when we split up. And he understood that in the end that it wasn't that you're struggling with your mental health. That's not the reason I'm out. It's not because you felt suicidal or, you know, had suicidal attempts prior to us needing, it's that you withheld this information from me. Yeah. And that was something I struggled with for a long time. What, how do I, how do I navigate that, right? Yeah. Yeah. That sounds so difficult. So when we talk about grief, it's easy to think we're, we're talking about when someone dies, but for me, the experience of grief was like that moment, that was the death of our relationship. As I knew it that moment, I knew it would never be the same After that, I didn't know what it would be, but I knew that everything I had. We had together up until that point had ended. And that might sound dramatic, but that was the real internal experience I had of like, this is not the relationship I thought I was in, and what relationship am I in now? And in trying to recalibrate and find our footing as a couple again. So we spent six months really working hard at trying to redefine what we were again to each other so that grieving started much earlier before he passed away. Yeah. I've heard that
Mandy:from other people particularly in relationships that the withholding of information or lying about information that when that comes to light, and it's been a very long time that it's been withheld. I, I've heard very similar responses from other people that it's just this, looking back at everything that was, and, and not knowing, you know, how much of that was real mm-hmm. Because you didn't have all the information at the time, and, and it just sort of shifts your perspective on, on that time together. So
Georgianna:it, it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I felt really hurt that I wasn't given the choice to choose, right. The choice to choose with full disclosure of, is my heart ready? Is my mind ready? Am I ready to be in relationship with someone who struggles this deeply with mental health? And am I ready to be what this person might need over the course of time? Mm-hmm. And what's the impact on my boys? I think that was big for me too. Being a single mom of really. Wanting to look at the wellbeing of my kids and not just how my kids would be impacted by his struggles, but like what capacity I had to support Daryl, and how in what way would that lower my capacity to support my kids? Right? Yeah. Like if I'm torn down to pieces, my kids get remnants of me. And I had already been in a situation where my heart was broken in the past, where I really needed to do the inner work, the inner healing to heal my heart and really see my own worth. And my kids, they didn't suffer from that experience. Like I was still very present for them, but I know that I wasn't all of me, you know? Mm-hmm. And I was adamant I didn't want to experience that again for my kids. I think that's so
Mandy:insightful as a parent. I think I can look back at times in my life when I haven't been fully present for my kids because of, you're right, we only have so much capacity and if you're giving so much energy to something else, then it, it will lower the energy you're giving to your children. So I, I think that was a really important consideration. As difficult as I'm sure that was to consider.
Georgianna:Yeah, it was very, it was very hard because the caring, compassionate side of me always wants to run the show, and, I learned over time how to hold care and compassion for someone and also care and compassion for myself and that it's okay to set boundaries and to to end something, even if you hold a lot of love and care for someone. Even if, you know they need you in their life. And that was so tough because there's only so much capacity to go around. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's so you made hard choice to make.
Mandy:Absolutely. But it sounds like you did make that choice for yourself and decided that the relationship needed to end and what happened
Georgianna:at that point. So like I said, we really tried really hard. We had so many talks, many tears many, many moments of like, can we do this? No, we can't. Oh, yes we can. Let's try. And ultimately, I think an event took place six months or so after that initial evening where I found out all those things and the event itself. Like we, we were just, we just, I think. We had an argument about something. And I think what I took away from that argument was he wasn't seeing the severity of the situation. Mm-hmm. And we spoke about it after. And again, that was one of his protective mechanisms. Right. If he has to look at the severity of the situation, it's a lot of pain and hurt to feel, and fear to feel. So I think, hi one of his protective ways of moving through life. Cuz he was a fully functional, well highly functional person. Well liked. And you know, you from the outside, you would never know. Yeah. And one of his ways of coping was to really minimize things and act as if things weren't as big of a deal as they were. And when that became apparent, or even more glaringly obvious to me, I thought to myself like, I don't think I can be in a relationship with someone where that coping pattern is that strong. Where things that are actually not okay are continuously minimized and that it takes me getting really angry and upset and really clear about the situation. For there to be an openness to see the situation for what it is. You know, I'm happy to work with someone and co-create with someone, but you have to both be willing to see the situation as it is. And I was getting more and more signs that that was such an ingrained pattern in him that I would be constantly fighting with that. And I didn't have the energy to, I didn't have the, you know, and we were on a bike ride actually, and. It was during that bike ride that he had revealed another thing that he had withheld. And this was after six months of, that's not gonna happen anymore. I'm gonna keep you fully informed of what's going on. And I had trusted that. And so that felt like the last straw. Again, what I was seeing was the pattern and how deeply entrenched the pattern of withholding was. And I knew going forward, I knew just about myself. I had spent enough time learning about myself at this point that I really valued and needed to be with someone who, who wasn't that deeply entrenched in their protective patterning that would result in lies and withholding information. You know, as much as I could understand why and the shame that was at the root of it, the impact of those choices I was not willing anymore to be a part of. Right. So,
Mandy:yeah, I mean, honesty is one of those foundational things in a relationship and having trust, I mean, that's the other side of honesty is knowing that you are fully there with your partner and on the same wavelength. Yeah. So it makes sense, especially if you had done work for yourself already and gotten to a place where you felt confident and being able to do those things for someone else and not being able to receive the same back. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That doesn't make it any easier.
Georgianna:That Oh, it sure doesn't make it easier. You know, it, it was easy in the sense that I had luckily done a lot of inner healing work to know that my needs and feelings matter. Mm-hmm. But it was not easy in the sense of, you know, I love this person. I had a dream for us. We had a dream for us. Our kids had a dream for us, you know, so to come to that realization that that dream needs to end, that's not easy. As much as like, logically in my mind, I know all the reasons why it needed to. Yeah. Were you able
Mandy:to split amicably? How did he take it? Yeah. When you told him, how did your kids handle that separation?
Georgianna:One thing, That I never doubted was how much he loved me and loved us and how much he cared about us. And underneath it all, of course, he knew that the deepest form of care would've been, to be honest, and to hold our relationship sacred in that way. But he wasn't able to and he could see that. And he understood, you know, he had even said, I think my mental health really needs, like all the focus right now. What happens when we're in relationship together is. Such a big part of me doesn't wanna lose you. So I hide and I hide all these things and we just keep cycling through that same thing. And so he, I think even knew that he needed some space to do the next layer of healing work for him to feel that he could be solid, like on his own, meaning not like solid on your own and you don't receive any care from anyone and you need to be, you know, Uber independent. But that his sense of worth was intact and that he didn't have to prove it. And he knew that we needed a break. I knew we needed a break, and he knew we needed a break. And so he took it well in the sense that he knew that would be best for me. And he knew he needed to focus his attention on his own inner work. I think he didn't take it well in that he was heartbroken, you know, and I think really disappointed in himself, which just makes it even harder. Yeah. So, yeah,
Mandy:I hear, I hear you calling it that you needed a break. Was any part of you thinking that if he were able to really focus in on his mental health and do the work that he said that he needed to focus on, that there would be a future for the two of you back together again?
Georgianna:I think we initially both set a break because it felt easier. Mm-hmm. And less painful to say anything other than, you know, to say just a break. We did have that conversation. He says like, I'm gonna come back. I'm gonna work on this. I'm gonna come back and we're gonna like pick up and we're gonna create that life. We, we said we wanted. And I think the realist part in me, you know, there was a, the hopeful part, but also the realist part in me. I have been really committed to my inner healing work for, I don't know, over a decade. And I work with people who are on their healing journey and I see the amount of dedication and perseverance it takes and how you need to integrate it into your everyday life. So I know the amount of work it takes. Mm-hmm. And it wasn't that I didn't believe he could do it, cuz I have deep belief that people can heal. Otherwise I wouldn't do the work that I do. But I knew what that meant was I have no idea how this will unfold, and I have no idea about the timing and the pacing of it. And so I knew I needed to not count on that to happen. Mm-hmm. And I knew I needed to not put my life on hold in hopes that that would happen. And I knew that if I did either of those two things, I would likely end up feeling very resentful. And I'd probably be holding this energy of like pressure on him. You know, like, come on, like let's get it together so we can go do our thing and start our life. And it didn't want us to have that kind of dynamic. So I remember telling him, you know, I exactly what I just said, like I can't make the assumption, I can't live on the assumption that. That healing work will be done by x, y, Z date. And we're just gonna pick up, you know, like I have faith in you, I have deep belief that humans are capable of healing and I have deep gratitude at all of resources available these days. And yet I need to live my life. Yeah. So
Mandy:did the two of you cut contact at that point, or did you remain connected in any way after the breakup?
Georgianna:I think had contact just because he was in such a vulnerable state, because I don't know, a week prior we were fine and this is not where I imagined us to be. So I think it was a shock to both of our systems. So we were still in contact. I was still checking in on him. And he was letting me know how he was. And then I remember one thing we had said we would do was we were gonna go on this bike ride with my boys. And afterwards I said, Hey, like, is this still a good idea? Are you up for this? Am I up for this? Like, what will this be like? And we just wanted the boys to have that experience. You know, we had talked about it for a while and so we went out for this bike ride and it was a beautiful, like, such an amazing bike ride. It was like stunning just where we were. But also I could see the connection the boys had with him and like he, they followed him as like, he was their leader and guide, you know, on this trail. And he was encouraging them. And it was just really just sweet to see, you know, the love and care that. That relation, those relationships turned into I felt proud that even going through everything we went through as a couple, we could have that experience together. I also remember, I felt the, the, the bike ride was magnificent yet again, I think the night of or the day after, I just felt so much sadness, so much sadness and anger again, of like, this is what we could have had. This is what we had. And like here we are now, like just a complete 180 from that place. Like how did we get here? And so just grief, you know, in all different moments, so there's like joy and grief, like so closely intertwined and he felt the same way. You know, that was the day he said he was heart was so happy and so sad at the same time. That was the last time we saw Darrell, and I think it was after that bike ride that, or like shortly after that bike ride that I said like, I think I need no contact. Also because he would call and he's just so sweet and so loving and wanting to know how I am and I'm wanting to be truthful and authentic and share how I am. And then he'd realize, wow, I feel too, too tender and too in my own pain to like hold your pain, which I also understood. But that just became really challenging where I couldn't really come with my feelings and he couldn't really come with his Cause there's just so much pain on both sides that. I felt like the more we stayed talking to each other at that time, the more we would just be in that cycle of like we're swimming in pain and both feeling angry and hurt. So we made the decision that it would be best to not have contact, and we both knew that we both had good support networks. I think that makes, makes a difference as well. Yeah.
Mandy:You know, I think grief in any form comes with those rollercoaster of emotions When he said, I feel so happy and so sad. That is so often the case. You can still have beautiful, amazing moments in the middle of feeling deep, immense grief. Yeah. And. Relationships ending is something people don't recognize often unless it's an official divorce. Mm-hmm. Society, our culture is kind of like, oh, you were just boyfriend and girlfriend and you broke up. What's the big deal? Exactly. But there's absolutely grief that comes with that. Mm-hmm. And I think you did a really beautiful job explaining what that was like and trying to navigate that while you're still, you know, he's still around. You said you talked about grieving someone who's still alive and how difficult that can be. And that comes up with relationships. That also comes up when someone has an addiction or, you know, somebody's life is going down this path that is not in your control at all and mm-hmm. And you do, you grieve that relationship. You grieve for that person and for their, their life and the path that they're taking. And so I think you really put a lot of great words to what that experience can be like. How long after this bike ride and decision to stop contacting each other, you said that was the last time you saw him? Mm-hmm. How long was it before
Georgianna:you got news? It was probably two months or so after, and it was not something I expected at all. It was a day where his friend had texted me and said, you know, have you been in touch with Darryl? Do you know where he is? I'm like, no, we actually spoke. Did we speak? We texted, I think a couple days prior. I said, we couple texted a couple days prior to actually arrange me going to his place to pick up my things cuz we hadn't done that yet. And my friend is supposed to go tomorrow or something like that to pick up my stuff from his place. And that's what I said. And I said, why are you asking? Are you concerned? Like, what's happening? And he said, yeah, I haven't heard from him today or the last two days in some period of time where he thought it was abnormal in based on their level of contact. And I said, he said like, I'm gonna go drive out to his house, like to check in on him. And I said, okay, well I have a key so I could meet you there. And. I don't know if I asked or he asked me, I said like, do I need to call 9 1 1? And he's like, yeah, I think you need to do that. Oh. And yeah. So he drove over. I met him there. By the time I got there, the police were there and it still didn't really, like right now I'm sitting here telling you and has a lot of emotion to it because I know what happened from that point forward. Mm-hmm. But at that time, like it, like, yes, I called 9 1 1, but it just felt like we're just wanting to make sure he's okay. Like it was a holiday here, and so we thought maybe he slept in, maybe he is, you know, like there could be so many options. Great. But that wasn't the case as we found out later. And it didn't, the severity of it didn't hit for a long time because my friend or his friend and I were standing in the hallway while the police go in. They don't let you in? I'm sure for a variety of reasons. Mm-hmm. But we heard voices and so we thought, oh, they probably found him, maybe he was sleeping, I don't know, chatting, laughing, whatever. They were in there for quite some time. So we figured, well, he must be in there. And they came out and they said he's not here. And that was the like stomach drop moment of like, what do you mean he's not here but still, you know, okay, he's not here. Maybe he went, went out. I said, I know where the parking garage is. Like we could go down there and see if his car is there. Car wasn't there and that was where it started to hit. Like now this person is missing. And so we had a day or two of he's missing and the police are out looking search and rescues out looking and that's a whole other experience to be on the other side of that I was his emergency contact. And so throughout the day the, like following two days, I would get this phone call or phone calls on my phone that says Unknown caller or something like that. And every time unknown caller showed up on my phone, my body could just feel it like I'm either gonna get great news or something horrible. And so that was, you know, the two days where we didn't know where he was. Yeah.
Mandy:That experience of being in limbo and not knowing is awful. I've been there also. Mm-hmm. And. It's something, I don't know that I have words to describe what it's like to not know where someone is and what the outcome will be. Yeah. And you can literally do nothing but wait, and it's a very powerless place to be. And your brain vacillates between hoping for the best and imagining that you're overreacting and you know, and then of course, thinking about the worst of what it could be.
Georgianna:Yeah. All the things. Mm-hmm. All so fast. And at that time, like also my kids, I'm like, how, how do you describe that? Because I was put in a position to have to decide how much I was gonna tell my children because that morning when I got the phone call from his friend, I was home with my kids and I had to call my friend over and say like, can you please come? Like, can you please come watch the kids? And I gotta go. And like, there wasn't very much turnaround time. That's not typically how I, you know, transition my kids to someone else watching them. I was like, mommy's gotta go. I love you. Right? Something's up. I think I might have said like, we, we need to make sure Gerald's okay, and I'm gonna go handle that and we're gonna come home and whatever. And so when I came home, you know, I, like, I talked to my ex-husband, their father, and said, okay, like, how mu how honest do you wanna be here? Do we need to be here? They are, what were they, eight and 10? And you know, my oldest is quite inquisitive, so he's like, what's happening? What's going on? And. We just had to say like, we're not sure where he is right now. And the police are helping and search and rescue are helping and lots of people, you know, care and wanna help and wanna make sure he gets help. And then listening to how children process it, right? They said, well, maybe, maybe he's just hiding the forest. Right? Maybe he just needed a little break. And then then my, one of my sons said maybe he went on vacation, maybe Darl went on vacation. And my older one, you know, he's two years older, he's also much more factual, like just oriented to the facts. He's like, dude, people tell people when they go on vacation, right? So I think he just had this inkling. Mm-hmm. Something's not good. Right. And again, you know, we held them, we cried together. We, we assured them that everybody that could be out there helping was helping. And that as soon as we knew more, we would let them know more. And so that is, other than just being an adult person, dealing with that helplessness and the unknown to help children navigate that
Mandy:and wanting so badly to protect them from it, right? Mm-hmm. Cause we know, we know how awful it feels and how difficult it is to process as an adult. Mm-hmm. And wanting so much to not put that on our children and save them from that. And you can't.
Georgianna:Yeah, it's really hard. Yeah. And like I have always operated off of, I wanna share age appropriate and developmentally appropriate truth. I'm always going to give my children the truth. It might not be all the pieces, it might be using words that make more sense to them, but I wanted to always be truthful. Right. And you know, I'm very lucky that their dad feels the same way, and that we could sort of really be on the same team in how we wanted to share with our kids and help them navigate that period of time. Yeah,
Mandy:that's incredibly helpful that you were able to co-parent with their dad during such a difficult time for you. Yeah. Because, yeah, n not only are you thinking about your kids, but like you're going through it also.
Georgianna:Yeah. Yeah. It was tough, but. You know, I had luckily in the years prior, learned a lot about nervous system regulation and how to be embodied and how to be present while thoughts are swirling, while emotions are swirling, while big sensations are in your body. And I think it helped that I knew how to pause, right? I knew how to pause so that their dad and I could be intentional about, okay, what now? And prior to learning all those skills, like, I don't think I would've been able to navigate that as easily and with as much confidence. It's weird to say I navigated this really horrific time with confidence, but I, I can say that I was blessed enough to have other life experiences lead me to healing that helped me feel more confident during that really tough time. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.
Mandy:And it's hard to even say, like, the waiting period was two days. Two days is a lifetime when you're not knowing an answer to something that's so big. Right? What has happened to this person? Where are they? Mm-hmm. And then you think of the, the flip side, you know, it was, it was luckily not a week or a month or a year or Yeah. You know, or
Georgianna:indefinitely or never. Right. And so I do feel very grateful for that. And again, like grateful is a strange word to speak of when you're speaking about finding out really horrific news that not just impacts me and my children, but his children. I felt just deep sorrow for his children and his ex-wife who's parenting his children and and for him, right? But you're right, like I'm, I'm glad that it was two days and we had. Final, I, I don't even wanna use that word. Right. We had some answers, you know, we had some answers. Yeah. Yeah. So
Mandy:you had previously gone through this whole grief process with the breakup and sort of come to terms and, and broke off contact with him and moved forward with your life in a way for a couple months. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then this happens. And talk to me about what that experience was like knowing that he was gone and what that grief felt like for you and how you navigated
Georgianna:that. Well, like you said, you know, I think as a society, we don't give enough attention and space for grief that results from breaking up. Right. Or even grief that comes from ending friendships. Mm-hmm. So there was that layer of grief and then now there was the layer of grief of this person has died. And that in itself, it was like, this person has died, but he's not my partner. I'm also not the mother of his children. So there's all these other people who would be impacted more deeply, if you wanna call it that, on a broader scale than me. So that was an interesting thing to navigate.
Mandy:Yeah. It's almost like putting yourself into this false comparison. Yeah. And questioning the worthiness of your feelings and mm-hmm. Whether they're allowed, which I think on a logical level, we know, you know, feelings are and emotions are there for a reason and they're not good or bad and they're not. Mm-hmm. You know, to be judged or compared to other people. But then, you know, we're human and we do.
Georgianna:Yeah, we have these social constructs, right? And so I definitely remember like logically understanding exactly what you said. And I, I walk people through that too. But then there's this other part, even if it's tiny whispers sometimes, whether they're loud screams or tiny whispers, it's like, well, you don't have it as hard as so-and-so and like, it's not your father's, your, your children's father is still here and alive and all that kind of stuff, right? But I think one big lesson I learned and or like relearned in this experience is that like, my grief is valid and I don't have to be someone's wife or mother. Like, I don't have to have all these labels for my grief to be valid, right? My feelings matter. I can have many mixed feelings about it and it's all okay. So that was, you know, Here we're already talking about two layers of grief. I think another layer of grief embedded in that is this was like a mental health, childhood trauma related breakup. This was not like, this person is treating me horribly because he believes this is how I should be treated, or we're totally incompatible. You know, this was like just grief on that level too, of how sad that that is,
Mandy:right. It wasn't. It wasn't like you don't care for each other anymore. And you know, one of you said, I'm, you know, I'm not in love with you and I'm not interested in you. I've grown apart, and that's a very different experience.
Georgianna:Right? So it was layered with that. And then I would say probably the third layer or another layer of grief was that he died by suicide. And like first I'm trying to make sense of this relationship ended and now he's dead and what, you know, and, and I didn't have that much experience with death to begin with, so that was pretty new for me. I had never had a partner or an ex-partner pass away. So that was very new. And I had never had suicide as part of my inner circle. So now I'm trying to make sense of, I think the attention initially went more to how do I support myself in navigating suicide? What does that mean? How do I make sense of it? How do I help my children make sense of it? And luckily, I was connected with a suicide bereavement counselor who really specializes in that and understands, you know, both sides of it. So with the help of that, I was able to really work my way through, feel my way through that experience. But what I realized later on in my grief journey was, oh, what about the fact that he died? You know, I was grieving for so long and processing the, how he died. Mm-hmm. And the being missing and being part of that search crew and like all the things that were there in that experience that I don't think I, you know, like the attention wasn't on the death and that this person is not in living form with us anymore. Right. And then as I grieved that, I realized, oh, there's also a relationship that ended. Right. So there were just so many big types and forms of grief smushed into a tiny period of time that I really, you know, needed to be slow and take my time and face and feel what I was ready for and trust the process.
Mandy:Right. It's almost like unpacking it bit by bit and taking out mm-hmm. What you can that day and, and looking at it. Mm-hmm. And. You know, leaving what you can't look at yet till next time. Yeah. But it sounds to me like you were very intentional and mindful about trying to move through that process in the best way you could. Yeah. And recognizing that it was okay, however that looked. Yeah. It's, you mentioned that you saw a therapist. Is there anything else that you feel like was really crucial for you moving through that period? Mm-hmm.
Georgianna:I think there were a few things. I feel very blessed that in the years prior I had gone through tough times, so that really done some inner work to learn how to be deeply self-compassionate for myself and learn how to regulate my nervous system. I saw some pretty traumatic things in those two, three days that he was missing. And so I feel very grateful that I had simple tools that helped me like that that experience is not this huge P T S D trauma that it could have been. I feel very grateful for that. One of the pieces that I know for sure made a difference was that I didn't take it personally. I was, I had done the work to know what's my responsibility and what's someone else's, and that, you know, I think if I hadn't have done that work, I would've thought it was my job to save him. Mm-hmm. That it was my fault that I didn't, that I should have answered the phone that day, that he called me two days before he went missing. But I had no idea. Like, I just missed his call, you know? Right. And or. I knew how much he was struggling and so, and how could I break up with someone, you know, in that state. All the things that I think sometimes we think society thinks that we should be doing. Right. And
Mandy:I think guilt is so common and, and it's, I don't know if it's as a result of society or if it's this internal shame and guilt and regret that we put ourselves through. It's probably a mix of both, but yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah. Being able to separate yourself from that and knowing what was your responsibility on what wasn't as
Georgianna:huge. Yeah. So that was big. And also knowing that it wasn't personal. Mm-hmm. Like he didn't hide information from me because I'm not worthy of the truth. Mm-hmm. He. He didn't choose or choose is such a hard word to use in this context. He, you know, he died the way he did and it wasn't because I wasn't worthy of staying for mm-hmm. Or you know, like I could have thought, but you promised, you said that you were gonna do your work and you were gonna come back and we're gonna, you know, pick things up. Like, I didn't spend very much time, if at all, in that place of why didn't he stay alive for me? If I, if he loved me the way he said, he said if I mattered as much as he said he did, he wouldn't have died that way. And I'm very grateful that I didn't, I wasn't grieving that I was. Just, just grieving, you know, how he died, that he died, that our relationship was over. I didn't have that added layer of it's my fault and I needed to do more and I didn't do more, and that's why he's not here. And that would've been really heavy to hold. Yeah.
Mandy:That message is just so important for people to hear because it is so common to think those things and assume those things. So for you to put it out there that no, this, that's not how it was and mm-hmm. I think that gives other people permission to put that down also.
Georgianna:Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think one of the like dark holes we can enter when someone dies by suicide and we're the ones that are left behind is all that. What if, what if and should I have? And for me, the reality was, I think I came to peace with, like, it was never my responsibility to keep another human alive. Mm-hmm. As like, I don't mean that to sound crass and uncaring, but there's a difference between loving and caring and extending support and having someone's, you know, whole life, like carrying that yourself as the sole person responsible. And so I think it was helpful for me to remember that. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.
Mandy:And so now you said it's been about three years mm-hmm. Since this happened. Yeah. And do you look back at this differently? And where, where are you in your life and your, and in your person now that is different from right where you were at the time?
Georgianna:Well I'm much more at peace. Feels good to be at that place of much more at peace. I knew all along that that feeling would come one day. I just didn't know when and how that would look. Mm-hmm. And luckily again, I think I had learned years prior to honor timing and pacing and just let the feelings be there and trust the process. So, you know, I wanna speak to a time of an in between time. And it was a time where cuz initially after Darrell died, I just let everything shut down. Like I took time off work that I wouldn't have done in the past. I would've just pushed through. I think what changed for me is shifting from this. Old definition of resilience. Resilience means you push through you white knuckle your way through, you just make it work. And that's how I got through other tough times in my life this time around. I didn't put these words together in this way until, you know, quite a ways through. But what I realized I was doing differently was it was like embodied resilience. And what I mean by that was I was connected to my body, my feelings and my needs, and just really honoring how I felt and what I needed along the way and taking little baby steps and moving forward. It wasn't this old way of like, shut down how you feel, shut down what you need and just push forward and move forward. It was such a different way of moving forward. So it was actually a very gracious time. It was actually a period of really beautiful things happening as well. And that was sort of. Maybe shocking for some people to see that at the time of the lowest time of my life and the darkest, it was also the most beautiful and expansive part. So being able to like have one foot in pain and one foot in joy and not miss the joyful moments, that was big for me. And so where I was, where I had started was initially it was like a shutdown, everything. I was like, if I can shower, that's my goal of the day, right? Mm-hmm. And eventually I had more capacity than just tending to my basic needs, because that was all I had capacity for in the beginning. You know, making sure my kids' basic needs were met and mine were met. I learned how to receive in that time, you know, because you get put in the situation where you just can't move forward without finally surrendering to I need to receive help, right? Mm-hmm. So that helped. But then there was a time where I began to feel excited for what was coming later. Mm-hmm. You know, later in terms of dating and relationships and love, I'm a big believer in love, you know, so I know that I want that or wanted that to come back into my life. I was excited for all the ways that I can offer my gifts to the world in this next level, the next iteration. And creating things for the world for healing. And at the same time, my body was like, you have no energy for that. There isn't energy for that. And I remember for a very short period of time feeling frustrated and annoyed about that and being like, but this, this is not what I asked for. This doesn't fit my trajectory of life. Like you were not supposed to die. And not in that way. And it all screwed up the plans. And then I was able to, you know, sort of just be here again and, and feel the sadness and the grief and the anger of that. And, and this is a piece that really changed things for me. I was learning to hold my excitement. For what would come next and what's possible from here on out. And at the same time, honor, timing, and pacing and not feel that I was missing out. And not think, and not feel that I had to push my way to. Like, it has to all happen now because I feel the excitement now. I felt excitement, but not the energy to match that excitement to make those things happen. And that was a period of time that I would say was just as significant in terms of healing and growth as that initial, like real grief, processing grief and feeling grief to just be able to not push my dreams down and the possibilities away because I didn't have capacity. But to know that they're there and feel excited that they're there. So that felt like a little bit of some of the in between. And now I'm at the place where I know I'm on that precipice of like, new season, new chapter. And so there's excitement around that. Yeah. Yeah. You know,
Mandy:I think having this vision of what's to come, knowing that there is something else coming, and at the same time giving yourself permission to wait and to get through what you're going through because you knew somewhere in your body that you weren't done yet with. Yeah. What you had to complete and had to move through to get to that next place. It's so important and I would love to hear about what is this new place for you and what does that look like for you?
Georgianna:What is this new place? Well, as Gerald had said, Shortly after we first met, he's like, you have a gift. You have a gift of seeing people and helping them see their own beauty and strengths. Like you cannot waste that gift. You cannot hide it. You cannot. And I had a pattern of like, yes, I love to do these things, but I do them in this tiny corner and I don't really talk about it much. And the people who end up finding me find me, and that's how we roll. Right? And he's like, no more hiding for you. You need to come out. And, you know, shortly after he passed away, that took a new iteration. You know, I worked for a long time for a nonprofit supporting families, and I was getting the knock for like 10 years, you know, of people wanting to work with me privately. And I had said no for a variety of reasons. And My friend invited me onto her IG platform, rising Woman to do a talk about conscious parenting. And after that, like my dms just blew up, like all over the world, people are saying, I don't even have children, and I cried, I need to hear that. Or, you know, I would love to work with you and or just thank you. Just thank you for, you know, sharing about parenting in this way. And so the dms blew up and that's when I knew, like Universe is saying, it's time to say yes. And Darrell would've wanted that Absolutely and completely. So that was already the, you know, there was some new chapter opening even earlier on. That was probably two years ago and a year and a half ago. I, I quit my old job that I loved deeply, but I knew that there was a possibility to help even more people if I did my own thing. And so started my own private practice supporting people in being more self-compassion and self-accepting, and learning how to be in your body and regulate your nervous system and create a strong, healthy relationship with yourself so that you can create that with your children and the people who you love. And I know that Daryl would be extremely, extremely proud of that. He needed that like from his little boy days to his, you know, grown up adult days. And he would've loved to know that there's more of that out in the world for people. And and you know, I facilitate with a friend of mine, Stephanie Hunter, and. Daryl knew us both and he said, you two have some sort of magic when you two facilitate together. And so I remember as we were doing more online facilitation of group work and practicing all these skills, I just knew like, this is like Daryl wanted this, you know? And in January of this year Stephanie and I started our podcast, wholehearted Loving. And it really is about, you know, little simple practices every day of coming to accept and love yourself more, and which is the antidote to shame. Which is really where our story today started was like how deep seated shame brings so much hurt to ourselves and those we love, even when we don't want to hurt people, even when we don't want to suffer. Right. And so, you know, our big message and wholehearted loving is like, you're worthy of love and care, even if you haven't experienced that in your life before. You're worthy of love and care, even if you do nothing to earn it. And I feel like that the, our podcast is really, you know it, it is like Darryl's gift to the world.
Mandy:I find that to be so beautiful. It's like you not only took the advice that he had given you and this wisdom that he shared with you and used that to turn it into something. But you also turned it into something that in turn could be helping other people that are in a position that he was in. So it's this full circle feeling.
Georgianna:Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah, he would be really proud. And just before I got on this call, you know, there's a few sort of exercises and practices I do just to get into my body and be present. And I said to universe, God, whoever is out there, I said, you know, give me a sign, you know, from Darrell that he's, he's pleased about this and you know, he's ready for me to just open up into the Nexts chapter. And I, I received signs in different ways, but it was funny guys, I thought maybe some beautiful eagle would soar around, you know, something symbolic like that. There was no eagle. But what happened, like right before I hopped on this call was like, Police sirens. And it's symbolic because that time when he was missing, like I was surrounded by police and ambulance and search and rescue and helicopters and there was a time when anytime I heard a helicopter, like my body would just jolt and bring me back to that place. And I remember very distinctly, feel your butt on the chair. Feel your hands on the steering wheel. That's a helicopter. And what happened then is not happening now. And those little moments that got me through. And so to hear the, the, the sirens right before this, I was like, oh, thanks. Okay. No,
Mandy:that's great. Yeah. Wow. I can't thank you enough for sharing this whole journey with us and it's so special and so personal and I feel really honored to hold the space for you to share this with people. I think it's really important and helpful for people to hear how others have made it through and. Do you have anywhere that listeners can connect with you, an Instagram handle you wanna share, or a website where people can find it?
Georgianna:Right. So my website is my name, giorgi lee.com. There's a link there to the podcast, but if you want just a podcast website, it's wholehearted loving.com, I believe. Anyway, so if you go to giorgi lee.com, you'll find it all on Instagram, I'm Giorgi Lee on Instagram. The podcast is wholehearted loving. We're also on YouTube and Apple and Spotify and all those places.
I hope you enjoy. Georgiana's calming and introspective voice as much as I did. As always, I will leave you with a journal prompt. Find a quiet space, set a timer for 12 minutes. And write about a time that you had one foot in joy and one foot in pain. Feel free to email your writing to us eye contact, to remember grandma's dot com. We always love hearing from you. To support the show, please subscribe, share with friends and visit. Remember grams.com. To send someone in your world, an extra show of love and support. Have a great day.