Ep. 25: The Badge of 51 with Elaine Benfield

Elaine Benfield, founder of "Herstories" joins us to discuss what happened the year she turned 50. Finding out her child is trans, and then realizing her husband of over 20 years is gay. Her story is insightful and honest, you won't want to miss it.

To find Elaine, check out her website www.herstories.com  or listen to the HerStories Podcast wherever you get your podcasts. 

Transcript

0:01

Hello, and welcome back to the grief trails podcast. Season two. I am your host, Amanda. Kernaghan from remember grams. A small business dedicated to helping you support those in your life. Experiencing grief. I hope you'll consider sending someone a personalized card or grief support box. Shipping within the us as always free. And we treat each order with special care paying attention to every detail. I'm looking forward to sharing today's episode far and wide a conversation that is going to help educate as well as inspire. Our guest, Elaine Benfield founder of her stories, where she shares the inspiring stories of women is living proof that we can walk through the hardest years of our lives. And look back at them with wisdom and introspection. When Elaine turned 50, she expected it to be the best year of her life. She had already been through the loss of both of her parents and her beloved dog. And was ready to accept the second half of her life with joy. As we all know, sometimes life has surprises in store for us that we'd never could've imagined. And this was the case for elaine take alyssa

Mandy: 1:05

I know we have so much to talk about. Your story is complex and a winding road that have brought you here today, but. I think I'd love to hear about when you turned 50 years old and that year of your life, what happened in that year, and how did it change who you were and where you were to where you've been?

Elaine: 1:27

Now it's, it's, it's very interesting. I remember being super excited about turning 50. I always felt, you know, I was born in 1972. I, all my friends were, you know, a whole bunch of my close friends were all turning 50. I was super excited for the year. My birthday's in August, so I remember when it turned, you know 2022. I was super excited of thinking, oh, I can't wait. I wanna do a big trip. I wanna do this. And I just was. at that happiest part of thought of my life. And in February of that year, my son came to me and we were, he was, we were leaving a doctor's appointment and my son said, I have friends that are transitioning. And I looked at him at the time and said, do you feel you're in the wrong body? And out of nowhere, the response was yes. And that was a start of the journey of now my fabulous daughter, Hannah. And it was shocking nonetheless, but also it was a light bulb moment for all of us. Thinking back, she had challenges as a child, she struggled health wise, and she never really fit in. So it became super clear of, that was the right path for her. You know, I did the doctors, I did the visits, psychiatrists, therapists, you know, medical doctors. Because to me, I didn't, if you go down this direction, I wanted to make sure it was the right course. But all of that led, and I'm happy to talk more about it, 2022, last year. Where my partner husband we were together for 22 years, almost 20 years married, came out and said he was gay. So I look back going, well, great. It's July. My birthday's in August and this is not what I thought my 50th year would be. So it was a wild ride. And I had to honestly take control of it to go, well, what do I want? What does this mean for me, for my family? I also have a stepdaughter and I have another son. So how am I going to be my authentic self while protecting them and doing what's right for me, but also right for them, because they were in the forefront more than anything. So last year was just a wild. So I felt like this year at 51. I ended up getting divorced a week before I turned 51 and I'm like, okay, now I'm on even a better trajectory of where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. Wow. There is so

Mandy: 4:01

much there. And I, first and foremost, really applaud you for the very first question that you asked, Hannah was, do you think you're in the wrong body? I just. I find that to be rare these days, that parents are so open about that and, and being willing to accept whatever answer comes, I think that's absolutely amazing. And do you think, and I'm sure you and Hannah have had discussions about this, did she expect that to be the response from you, or was she very fearful of how you would respond?

Elaine: 4:36

So it's interesting. So we live in Atlanta. So we're liberal in some ways and then conservative in some ways. We actually know other Children that have transitioned. Some have been super had great support. Others did not. We've seen the ramifications in both cases. Cases. So this wasn't where I was a president of my company's pride chapter in Atlanta. I've been volunteering in homeless LBGTQ plus. So they knew it's a safe space. We love everyone. It was kind of our DNA. I have that relationship with my kids that they've always felt they can tell me anything. And I had that with my parents as well. And that was my favorite thing I think they did to instill never be afraid. You could get in trouble, but never be afraid to ask. I was shocked with Hannah's response, but I didn't let her know it because in the end, I think it is hard to go. Is this a fleeting moment? Are you just, you know, being insecure? Is there something else? You know what, because I think the fear is kids choose to do this and might not think of longevity and they want. It's an impulse moment and spending time with Hannah. It was the right decision. There was no, I knew within hearing, and we talked and talked and talked. And what does it mean? What is the longterm? How do we pull in the right doctor? So even though I was shocked, she felt comfortable and at first said, don't tell anyone else this is between you and me. And of course I pulled in my ex husband and said, I just want to warn you, this is coming your way. But I don't, I think she always knew I was going to be with her no matter what. And that's, I think a testament to our relationship and the mom I want to be. Absolutely.

Mandy: 6:26

Wow. So, from the point that she told you, I'm sure there was a rollercoaster of emotions for you as a mom. I'm a mom. I have two kids. What was that like to have a child that you identified in a certain way with their whole life and then to have that shift, was that a difficult transition for you? Did you struggle with the pronoun change? And also I'm curious about the name change and what that was like for you.

Elaine: 6:53

It was, and everyone says this, it's a death of that specific child. There's, you know, my child has a dead name, I've promised I'm not allowed to say it, and that's okay because that was the past. At first. I think the hardest part was pronouns. I think my son and daughter immediately, my ex husband instantly went to she and her, but I gave birth to this child. I remember when the doctor said, you know, actually my ex husband said, it's a boy. You do have that all of a sudden, all those memories come back. And it wasn't like, You know, Hannah was playing with dolls, or there was the typical stereotype of what a daughter should play with. Some people might have that as an experience. I didn't. It was the trucks, it was the typical boy things. So for me, it did take me, I remember the first month crying over the loss of, I always thought this image of, I wanted a son that's six feet tall and, you know, blonde hair, blue eyes, like whatever in my image. Of that child. It was hard. That was a hard moment. It was never not accepting. It was how do I, and it was also her senior year. So one conversation, I said, why don't you just wait, just graduate, get through it. And your past is the past and moving forward. And she looked at me and said, I can't wait another day. And within a week, she changed her name, the school completely. Everyone was amazingly fabulous. I was also hard with the name change. So I chose the name. I chose the first name. I chose the middle name, obviously with my ex husband. And she came and said, it's Hannah. And all of a sudden the school knew. And I was like, but I had no say in that name change. That was a huge loss for me. While I love the name Hannah and I, it fits her. It's the name. It's absolutely perfect for her. That was tough. I luckily it was her dead name started with an H. So for the first month, I very much referred to her as H because I had to get my mind around it. But she did choose the name. And then, of course, my conversation was, can I choose your middle name? And she was like, I don't want a middle name. And I'm like, Oh, I still can't use that either. But it is a mindset of you do mourn for the loss of that child that you knew for, we were at 17 and a half years of that gender, that name to say, okay, I actually have two daughters, a stepdaughter, a daughter, and a son. And I always said the boys. And those are phrases that you do forget. Now I say the kids took me a little bit, but it was never not accepting. It was more your mindsets trained for 17 years. So definitely interesting.

Mandy: 9:45

And I know, I mean, you sound like you were already involved in Pride and very much on the side of believing that everyone has the right to choose their own gender and their own sexuality. And yet, it was still a difficult experience within your own family. I wonder, knowing yourself and knowing that you were already open minded about it, and then having this experience, did you feel shameful that you were having a hard time with it, or that you said you were crying? Did that bring about feelings of guilt for you at all?

Elaine: 10:16

I think it did. And I think, you know, I remember Hannah and she still does that. My kids always crawl into the bed with me at the end of the day, later than I want. They always, I know I don't turn the light off knowing someone's coming in to lie with me. And it was that conversation of, and I was honest and said, this is hard. It's not for lack of love, not lack of support, but I need a little bit of time. You've had a little bit more time thinking through it. You've had friends, you've been talking through it. She made the decision and my understanding from her was it was in five, six days, she had the light bulb moment and came to me. So she came to me in such a short period of window. It's not like she, you know, talked about it for a year in her mind or thought through it. It was a pretty quick transition for me being involved, but I let her see my sadness of the loss. Because I didn't want to be, I'm, I'm not ashamed. I had to, to find my path with her. And my kids kept saying, you showed your vulnerability. And I have obviously with, with everything else with my life that I'm not invincible. And they said, that's good. We get to see the real you of, it is heartbreaking in some levels, but now I see her happy every day. I see her smiling. I see her finding her true self. She was never that before. I do think you asked the question about shame. I did keep it to myself for a few months to only a close, close, close friends. Couple family members and it wasn't a shame again, shame. It was more, I wanted to be ready for people coming at me because I think people still aren't accepting and don't understand and make this, it's this fear. Is it the journey I picked for her? No. Is it the journey she needs to be on? Absolutely. And I was worried about almost protecting her more than anything. I'm still fearful for her life. I'm fearful that people are horrible to trans children. And we keep saying, we want to tell our story so that we can say, This is not dangerous. This is someone's individuality and why love is love. People are people. But then I realized my close inner circle, there hasn't been one person who didn't go make sense. That's great. And everyone started calling her Hannah immediately. I mean, there's some people that I think of distance themselves, but then they really weren't true in our, in our lives anyway.

Mandy: 12:42

Yeah, I think the fact that she told you so soon after she realized that herself is just, it goes to show that you really did already have the foundation you needed with her and the trust and the openness. I, I mean, that's all we can hope for as a mom is that our kids will come to us with the really hard stuff and that you can work through it together. And the fact that she was. Also going through this herself, right? Like coming to terms and figuring out who this new identity is and being able to do that honestly with you and to hear how you're feeling about it. I just I, I really admire that and I'm also I will say I'm surprised the school was so accepting and positive, particularly with the fact that you're in Atlanta or at least near Atlanta. But I know Georgia as a state is now The most accepting

Elaine: 13:32

always have and they've just passed them, you know, anti trans laws. I went and marched the state Capitol and the school was incredible. And what happened was, and it's a small private school for gifted kids. So they've handled a lot of different topics, but in fairness, two to three other kids all came out to their parents. Pretty much either the same time, similar time or right after and parents, we've started talking and going, okay, this is, we're here to help each other and our stories are all different, but there is the commonality that our kids are better. They're happy. They're thriving. They're who they're meant to be. And so I, I couldn't be more thankful for the school. My youngest son who's 17 is, is a senior and graduating from there. And seeing, you know, all the kids are like, how's Hannah doing? And, but remember they saw her as someone else to most change and morph into. She graduated with the name Hannah. And that is remarkable for a school to be like, no one slipped. I slipped a lot more than any of those teachers, any of the students. And kids don't care anymore. They're like, Hannah, do you go by, you know, her and she? Do you go by they? And they're all like, tell us what you want. And everyone turns. Whereas I think it's more my generation, older struggle a little bit more. Eventually this will be a non starter. Absolutely. I agree.

Mandy: 14:53

So did the school connect you with these other parents who are going through similar experiences, or did you find them on your own? Because having a group with a similar experience, must have been profoundly

Elaine: 15:03

helpful. It was profoundly helpful. I knew from my children's old school, the two families by chance, I was friends with them and they reached out to me through a mutual friend and said, I think you guys should talk and that was a great and we have that commonality. And I asked a lot of the hard questions as I was in the middle or the beginning of the transition with Anna. And so they were super helpful. The school came to me and said, Yeah. We have a few families who are a little bit behind you. Would you be okay talking to them? And I was of course, shocking. I was like, absolutely whatever. And that was great for us just to have those moments of, you know, there's so many questions, you know, you have surgery questions in the future. You have the hormone replacement. I. Read more than I can tell you. I talked to more doctors because to me it was talk to me about the medical piece You know that to me scares me about anything and I wanted to be educated to go. Oh, it is. Okay It's like women going through menopause. It's actually the same medicine. Well great that made me understand or similar enough Obviously, but that helped me but those other people they answered some of my questions and to be honest There's a lot of people on TikTok that I follow that are incredible that are, you know, hearing the young voice from their opinions, and I've sent them all private messages going, Thank you. Thanks for sharing your story, because you have a voice to make this not uncomfortable and to make it fearful. So I think between social media in a positive way. Plus the school and all these parents that we're all willing to help each other is, has been a real huge, fabulous, you know, part of this experience. Yeah, I

Mandy: 16:47

agree with you. I think this generation is really making the shift and changing things. My daughter is in high school too. She's 16 and she, I mean, I think she has more friends who are gay or trans than she has who are straight and it's not a big deal at all to kids. I mean, they're just like, Oh. They use the right pronouns every single time, and I love to see the difference. And actually that brings me to my next question, because what a shock to then find out that your husband identifies as gay, and has for a while, and you did not know this. Part of me is thinking, maybe this is generational, whereas Hannah's in a generation where she can be open and honest with herself about her identity at a very young age, and that perhaps your husband was less so because of the generation that he grew up in. I don't know. I'd love to hear more about that experience, how this came

Elaine: 17:41

about. Yeah, it's interesting, and I think you brought up a great point. Hannah wasn't afraid to be herself. And I think we use the word often, be your authentic self. And when you know, now my ex husband came and said, you know, I have to confess something. And I was, we had a great marriage, great relationship. We, he was my, Best friend for 22 years out of the blue said, I cheated on you. And I thought my first reaction was who was she? And he said, it wasn't a she. And I was like, what? And I was so surprised and you know, it, it took. It took my breath away. That, to me, was more devastating than, obviously, anything with Hannah. But I, then we started, we were talking incessantly. We were trying to figure out, and this was July last year, then the confession came out over months, that it's been years of cheating. Like, ten, eleven years. With hundreds of people. That was the heartbreak of going, so you've known your narrative, it is. Why didn't you, as I'm your best friend, why wouldn't you be authentic and truthful? We went to Pride last year together. I, in Atlanta, we were, you know, I, he's seen me accept anyone. And there are relationships where there is the gay plus one, as he said, and women are okay with, you know, it's ethical non monogamy now. That's great. But you add in all those years of cheating and really being dishonest. And it, then it's a health factor, then I was like, very lucky, nothing happened to me health wise, but it's that whole narrative of, I think Hannah opened up him being authentic. He saw our beautiful child come to terms with, I'm in the wrong body and seeing her change through the hormones, I think gave Steve an opportunity to figure out, Oh my God, I've been lying. I do really, I'm interested in men and. I think as you said, he grew up in the south. He was in Atlanta, he was in, you know, a a, definitely a very conservative community. He was born into a evangelical family. I think all that narrative, it was shame. You were not allowed to, you know, he is 57, so you weren't allowed in 6, 19 66 in the south, even in the early seventies to come out and say, oh, I like men. I feel heartbroken that he was never able to be that true self and I think he found the right path for himself. I'm just sad it took him to 57 and he was married before. So he's had two marriages, one for 10 years, one for 20, 30 years. He was married to women that he definitely loved. I would hope so. But it led him to all of this. And I truly believe Hannah was the catalyst. That led him to find that and he just moved. He's moving in with his boyfriend and he's happy figuring that out. We just were a little bit in the wake of that, you know, obviously.

Mandy: 20:52

And I can imagine that it was a lot different from the experience of Hannah because with him, there's that deception and that feeling like I, you know, your spouse or your partner is the person that you imagine. Knows everything about you and you know, everything about them. And, and then to find out that it was such a huge secret that you're right. Could impact your health.

Elaine: 21:14

And trust and betrayal. That's the hard part because you marry someone and you have a partner for the trust of your intimate everything. They, you know, he knew my deep dark secrets, but I never saw that side of him, obviously. And that's trust and betrayal. It's taken me obviously great therapist over the last year to figure out it. That's the worst thing someone can do to you besides physically harming you. And it's hard to. Rationalize that. Did I do something wrong? How did I not know? More friends have asked me, how do you not see it? It's like, well, people are deceptive. That's why there's that word. They hide stuff. They had to lie. He had two lives.

Mandy: 21:54

Right, and you had no reason not to trust that the person you were married to was who they said they were. Oh, wow. So, did, I'm curious about Hannah's relationship with her dad, and did she have any inkling about any of the, did any of you have any inkling before he

Elaine: 22:10

came out? No, it's funny, we've All three, and the three of us, you know, my stepdaughter and my two other kids, we're super close and we've had many conversations going. Did dad ever say anything? Did he ever say anything? And there's once in a while. I think he's alluded to things maybe, maybe when Hannah first came out, but prior to that, none of us had any ideas like really. And that's what was the kids and the kids were very truthful, the betrayal piece. The kids wanted him to move out in August. They're like, he's done. And I needed to as a, like, for my own love. And I loved him more than anything. I had to go through the stages of grief. In the fall to have a breaking point to say, it's time for you to move out. It wasn't the kid's choice. And we kept saying, this is my choice. And they were so protective saying, it's not good for you, mom. We love you. My stepdaughter, I want you to be happy. They, and we all made the decision together more or less, but in the end, it was my decision to go, this isn't good for me anymore. I don't, I don't see a way that I can be happy. You're going to be great. You're going to be happy. But what does that do to me? And I'm, I'm part of some support groups. One of them's how, which is husbands out to wives. And I see the narratives and it was a great group to help me figure out what do I want. And I listened, women have this happen often. And I know men have it happen as well. But hearing the heartbreak. And how do you, you know, is this the life you want to lead? And I give these, I give women credit if you decide to stay and you have a different relationship. And, but to me, I just, it, I was sacrificing who I really want to be. And I think he would have done it to, so he could still be part of my life. It just wasn't the right path for us. Unfortunately, I wish it were, there was another way, but we both need to be happy. Absolutely. And I think he's found it, and it's my time, you know? And

Mandy: 24:10

I also, I'm just so impressed by you, not only with how you reacted with Hannah, but also with your husband, and to really, again, approach things with a very open mind, and look at what the options are, and what other people are doing, because not everyone does the same thing in these scenarios, and Some things work well for people and some things don't, and you brought up ethical non monogamy, and I think that's something people don't talk about openly, but it's certainly out there, but we have to remember also that begins with ethical, and I'm assuming though I don't know for you that long term betrayal and deception is probably makes going into something that starts with ethical very difficult. No,

Elaine: 24:54

and that's a beautiful way to say it that, you know, we talked about how could we make it work, and honestly that was for months, and at my. Honestly, I think my sister would be okay with me saying it my sister just distance herself from me and I love her she's my older sister, and she's had she was divorced and had a hard divorce. She kept. She could not understand how I was thinking, maybe we can make it work. And she was like, and this is before I knew all the cheating. I knew one cheat. I didn't know all the rest of it. And she could not comprehend that. I loved him so much. I was willing to go. Okay. Well, you can date someone else while we're still married. Let's have an open marriage. I didn't want to be open. I got married because I wanted one partner and in my mind, I kept trying to teach myself like, Oh, well, maybe it's okay. Maybe he goes and stays at a boyfriend's house for a little bit. And then your mind goes, what do I want? And it took me months to go. I think I'll settle for making him happy. And therapy taught me that I, I'm more of an empath where I want everyone around me to be happy. I will sacrifice myself, which I've never saw to make them happy. And a therapist is like, you really need to worry about you. And I was like, what are you talking about? I always worry about me. And she's like, no, no, no, no. You want everyone to be happy and step back and go, what makes you happy? And I love women that can do non ethical monogamy. I love it, but I just can't ethical non monogamy, excuse me. I love it for them. And everyone has to come up with, how do they want on your deathbed, what's, what do you want to remember, you know, who do you want to be? Yeah. And

Mandy: 26:38

again, I think it's great that you were able to take the time and make that decision from your own, a place that you explored within yourself and decided, okay, this is what needs to happen for me. And it wasn't a, you know, he tells you this information and then that night he's out of the house and, you know, you're moving. Forward and some people do that and that's fine, but I I really admire the fact that you took some time with it because it was such a big thing. I mean, 22 years together is is very big thing

Elaine: 27:07

and most people say and you know this. Most people say don't make any rash decisions within the first year. I made it six months and was like, okay, I've lived and breathed it. I threw up more times than I can tell you. My stomach's my emotion. I struggled sleeping. I was starting to affect my health. I didn't know where he was. I started tracking the phone. I became crazy. And that's where I thought, and that's where the kids were like. This is not your life and this is not the life you deserve and you deserve better. And the three of them really rallied saying it's time for him to go. And, and that, but it, you know, after months of, but I'm happy. I went through, as we talk about grief, I went through those stages. Cause it's denial. It's, it's anger. Anger goes back and forth. There's days where I'm still angry, but because I wake up going, Oh, this is my life. It's not the two of us anymore. Yeah, it's not the life I ever in a million years, if you would have talked to me, you know, 18 months ago, I'd have been like, you're crazy. My life's great. And he thought his life was great in the facade, in my opinion. But yeah, you have to go through

Mandy: 28:10

it. So talk about your life looking totally different. I mean... Yeah, you now have two daughters and a son, and instead of having the two sons and a daughter, you are now divorced. I mean, that's huge, huge

Elaine: 28:23

changes. Huge changes, and not what I predicted. Because, you know, in life you think, oh, my parents were married for 44 years until my father died. I loved being married. I loved having a partner. I love that giving so much of myself to someone. And I think there's such a stigma over I'm now divorced. And it's like, oh, it's such a negative word. It's like, but this is a positive. Like I, when I turned 51, I thought, Oh my God, this is the new start of my chapter. He got my thirties, got my forties, but the fifties are mine. And this is, I'm not dead. I'm like, you know, and that's where I'm like, and I keep saying, I'm so proud to wear the badge of 51. You and I both, you know, are going through trauma and life and grief and death. Every day is. I'm not religious, but every day is such a gift that why should I let this, this was a chapter in my life, which led me to everything else that makes me happy. I'm now traveling more again. My kids and I do more fun things. I feel so much better in myself and who I am. I'm happy every day. I wake up happy even more than I did. I was always happy not realizing the, you know, underlying situation, but I'm looking forward to tomorrow and the next day and the next 10 years and 20 and now it's all because I want this and what's my destiny because I'm going to do what I want to do. And that's. refreshing. So to me, divorce doesn't mean, oh, it's, it's the death. It can be no great new chapter. And that's what I'm on. My God, I don't want to be stuck in limbo. I don't want to be unhappy. So divorce is what's another word for divorce because it should be a positive word, not a negative word. I think you can look at

Mandy: 30:11

almost any grief experience in that way. So obviously grief is very, very hard. Losing someone who means so much to you is. A really difficult experience, and you will go through a really difficult transition period, and I'm not saying this to say that, you know, your life will be better after you lose someone or your life will be amazing after you grieve someone, but I, I do think that most often, a very strong grief, grief experience can lead to something else and it can lead you to really digging deep inside yourself and figuring out what you want to do with your life and you. It doesn't matter how old you are. I think that's such a great point because people assume, you know, well, I'm too old to make a big change. I'm too old to have this huge goal that I don't know how to achieve yet. And it's so not true because you can find a new path and it doesn't erase the history that you've had. It doesn't erase the person that you lost or the marriage that you had. And so I, I think those are all just really great points. And I know that you. Prior to all of this, I'd also been through some really hard losses. You lost both of your parents, is

Elaine: 31:22

that right? Yes, both my parents. Yeah, my father died. He only saw Hannah up for the first year, died right before Hannah turned one, and I was 20 weeks pregnant with Alexander. So the fear of me losing Alexander was deafening. I just was, I remember cradling my big belly at that 20 week mark and just going, Oh my God. And, and It was so my father had an aorta dissection and luckily he was saved for the first four years and he walked me down the aisle and he got to see me pregnant and, you know, even see me half pregnant through with Alexander. But at that loss defined my future. That was such, you know, I just, and I feel. I, I could cry thinking, I know he was my best friend and my sister and I had such great parents and then my mother survived 18 years without him and died right in the start of COVID. And so you can see like my eyes are watering and it's, it's those turning points in life. My father was always happy and he was lived 71 years to his fullest. And people always said, wow, he was only 71, but he did all these things and he loved traveling and adventure and like was just this amazing, charismatic human. And every day I see Alexander. He's the spitting image of my dad and Alexander's like, I know I'm like Papa Joe and I'm like your eyes, your hands, your, so I almost have this, the loss gave me Alexander and that, oh my God, I posted about you know, the senior picture of, you know, him and he has a mustache and all these people messaged me and said, it's your dad. And I was like, I know, but that loss gave me this incredible human that every day I see. Go, it's my dad and I feel like they had the opportunity to spend with my mom and love. She was from Germany. The love of, you know, her teaching us, she was, you know, I'm first generation American and the love of travel came from both parents, but she, we've extended family all around the world. And now my kids want to travel. So you take the pieces of your parents and that awful loss. My sister and I say we're orphans. It's really true. You do. Even at I was my mom and dad three years ago, you know, even at 47, I felt like an orphan. My sister and I felt the same. You, you only have those parents but I feel I now reflect going, what did they teach me that I can teach my kids? And when my time's gone, my kids can teach their kids. And they were such great parents. And, and, you know, in the moment you're like, Oh, they do this. And, you know, you think of the negative, but then you can go that loss taught me really to reflect on what incredible humans and what they did for my sister and I. And, you know,

Mandy: 34:14

Even years and years later, so I know that your dad died so many years ago, but I think we can still. Every once in a while you find something and you're like, wow, I learned that from my mom. Or, I learned that from my dad so long ago and I'm just coming to to realize it now. And so I think you're right. I think it stays with you. It just changes. And I agree. I also just wanna point out the fact that you say your sister and you call yourselves orphans. And how there are some people who will look at it and say, well, you know, you're, you're almost 50 or, you know, however old you were when your mom passed. But many people do have both their parents well into their, you know, 60s or, or later. And so I think the experience, no matter how old you are, when you lose your second parent, that's extremely valid because you're right, we only are born to two parents and you may have step parents and foster parents or other, other adult figures who are like a parental figure for you. But The loss of whoever those people are to you is just incredibly hard and, and to have all that happened before this year of transformation in your life. Was there part of you that is sad your mom didn't get to know Hannah as Hannah?

Elaine: 35:30

Yeah, I think both parents, I think you reflect going, well, first of all, what would they say about the shit show of my life? Like there was many moments that I remember I had a business trip last year to Berlin and my mom was born there and her parents are buried there. And I brought a little of her ashes and sprinkled and started crying hysterically on their grave and was so close to my mom's parents. And I said, you know, you'd be ashamed to me. And it just came out. And I remember being like, well, why would I say that? What triggered me? And then I remember coming home and I told my sister and said, Oh, you want to hear what I did on Omiya Noppo's grave and you know, whatever. And sprinkled mom. And she goes, they wouldn't be look at you. You've held your head up. You're raising these kids. You've made them strong. You've protect them as much as you could. And I remember thinking. She's right. Why was I so worried? Because they would have been accepting. I think they wouldn't have understood. I do think there's a generational. My mom would have been like, what? So, you know, she, in the end, last, you know, months of her life, she spoke more German than English. I would have had to learn a lot of German words to talk to her. But, you know, my father was so accepting and open minded. At a time he had friends that children came out as being gay. And my father back in the eighties was like, is it your kid? Who cares who they love? Like he was so ahead of his time, which is why I am so open. But I think the piece, which I'm sure you feel the same, the support when you're going through something, who's the first person you want to call is your parents. And I think that was deafening during the last 18 months of, I really don't have that. I don't have someone to take care of me. That's a loss that I don't know, I think even time doesn't heal that. You want someone to call and just, you know, take care of you. And that's really tough. Oh, that's so powerful.

Mandy: 37:21

So talk to me about what, what are you doing now with your life? Now that you've gone through this wild year and everything has changed, tell me about her stories and how that came to be and what

Elaine: 37:35

you're doing. Yeah, absolutely. So it's interesting, you know, in reflection about four or five years ago, I. And I work for a tech company. I've been in high tech for years, but I'm crossed with these. I keep meeting women that inspire me. And I was so tired. And I say this with all loving heart and I love men was everything's history. It's all about him and it's all about his story. And I literally four, five years ago, came up with a business plan and said, I really want to focus on her story, her stories. I want to talk to inspiring women with inspiring stories. I think women that I run into every day don't find themselves inspiring and I want to find a voice for them to talk and so I ended up basically creating in December, January of last year. Well, this year, January, and really just said, I'm going to launch this. And I chose to launch her stories. And I, the, not, what is it? International women's month in March, I launched the end of March and my goal, you know, I've had a lot of people and I I've known celebrities in my life. Oh, you shouldn't interview celebrities. I'm like, no, I want to interview everyday women that are remarkable. And everyone's overcome something, whether it be grief, loss, cancer, health problems, loss of children, loss of career. And that's. It's it every day gets me excited to talk to, to women and, and, you know, that's the path that I, I just want to keep having a voice for women. So I'm super excited. I have a website, a podcast series I try to do. I'm a little off but try to do every Sunday. That's rejuvenated me. And my youngest son said, you've got your voice back. I actually didn't know it was muted because I'm so loud and outgoing and always, you know, positive, but it really showed me. I have so much more to tell and how can I help more people? And that's what her stories is all about inspiring other women. It all

Mandy: 39:41

comes back to how you said you realized that you were putting your husband and his happiness before your own and the fact that you're an empath. I think so many women are empaths and we do. I don't know if that's a societal thing that we're we learn as children, but it's We do often try to prioritize the happiness of those around us. And so I think you saying that women don't even see themselves as inspiring. They don't even recognize that their own story is powerful is such an important connection to where you're coming from. And then for your child, for your son to say that you have found your voice, it just makes me think back at how you said now Hannah is suddenly this vibrant, happy. Person that you didn't see before and so it's like your children are seeing the same transformation in you but in a different way

Elaine: 40:33

Yeah, and it's you know for Mother's Day this year and my birthday My, I think my stepdaughter wrote cards for me and said, no one handled last year with more grace and elegance than you, you, no matter what the piece of paper says that dad and I aren't married, you're my mom, you've helped me raise me since we're two and she's a fabulous mom, but she said you helped us all survive while dealing with all this and financially dealing with I'm not getting support and I just holding up the world. That says I'm on the right track helping them all because if I can survive what I've gone through and the loss of parents and my dog, as we talked about, and these things, and if you can find a way to be positive and move on and go, Hey, it's not the way I wanted life to be, but to see the kids go, but she's happy. Mom's doing okay. We know she'll be okay. And that's. I'm teaching my kids that, boy, you can really get through anything. I love

Mandy: 41:36

that you said, holding up the world. Because I think that's how it can feel so often, and I think that can feel like a burden to a lot of people, and it can feel exhausting. But if you are able to, through that, also find your own happiness and find what lights you up inside, then you're able to do that for your family, and you're able to be that inspiration to them. I,

Elaine: 41:59

I love it. No, it's so true. And it's, you know, putting yourself first and not, you know, not forgetting you and all this. Because as we talk about the stages of grief, it's not easy. There's days I couldn't get out of bed. There's days my kids brought me food. There's days. And I remember, you know, crying so hysterically and, and, you know, I was saying like Alexander's like, I love seeing you vulnerable. I've never seen you. You are that like I've never, you've always been so strong. And I remember he left the room and I said, no, one's ever going to do that to me again. No one will make me feel as low as this moment. And I'm going to pick myself up and just, I'll have days where I cry, not all day long. No, no one can ever do that to me again, because I'm in control of that. And I have friends who are like, how are you always so happy? And how are you? Because it's a choice. I, you know, I think some people don't get me wrong chemically. You just can't, but I want it. I, it's, what's the alternative? Being miserable all day long? I just, I can't even fathom that. But

Mandy: 43:04

I also think it's because you allowed yourself to feel the feelings. You allowed yourself to go to the dark place and to, to be at a low point. And I wish I could remember the quote off the top of my head, but there is. Some quote about we can only rise and be as happy as we have been sad that they are like two sides of one coin. And so if you don't allow yourself to go through the difficult experiences, you're not getting as much of the joy out of the happy experiences that you have. So I credit you for just going through it. And now you're coming out on this other side and doing something incredible with your life. And I can't wait to see where it goes. I think that. I think it's going to go big

Elaine: 43:47

places. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, and it's, you know, as we talk about, you have to go through the stages. Don't skip any. You've got to go whatever the loss is in your life. You have to go through the stages and the stages will keep shifting. And one day you'll be angry, denial, whatever that is. Don't be afraid to go through it, because when you get through it, you're like, I really did it. I survived and you'll still jump back. I mean, there's days where I'm like, I'm really angry or I'm really horribly sad, but that's okay. But to have those emotions and then when you. Go to bed and you go, Oh, I didn't have any of those. I forgot, you know, that I had pain. That's when you know, Oh, I really am. I've survived. And also, I'm sure you feel the same. It also teaches you of what you don't want in life. Like I now have a clearer path of what I want in a partner. Because I, I would have settled in some ways, you know, no offense. Because that's the relationship we've built all these years now I'm like, no, there's a lot of things that I know I, I want someone to take care of me once in a while to, you know, be there for me and not me give 150 percent and they give 75. And I think that that makes me happy going, I don't know who he is, I don't know where he is, but at some day, he'll get what I really deserve. And I think every woman, every man deserves that in life.

Mandy: 45:09

Right. And it's not too late. It's not too late. And I wonder if part of your journey this past year was coming to terms with how long you were sort of held in this relationship without having all the information and then not being able to look for that person for you. So

Elaine: 45:25

I think it to some degree, but I also think. I don't like it took me a minute to go. I don't regret a moment because my kids were at good ages, you know, 16, 16, 17 and 22. So for me, I look back going, we gave them the formative years of us being a couple and we gave them that base and they're all incredible humans in their own right. I look back going, okay, so if I would have known, then you're telling me when they were four and five and like 11, no. So to me, I think it's sad. And I think divorce is so prevalent and, you know, I'll, I just remember, I think my stepdaughter said, well, now we're like the normal statistic of what is it, 90 percent of people get divorced or so whatever the statistic is. So I think we gave them such a great foundation. We had great family trips and that's the, we gave him as much stability up to that point. I, I'm sad that my ex didn't have his authentic self. He's a little bit older and, but now he's finding it. But it is sad. It's heartbreaking. Like I'm so heartbreaking. He couldn't just figure that out in his youth. But then I say, I told the kids during in the middle of this and I remember crying and I said, you come first and I would do this pain every day for the rest of my life to have the three of you. Because that's the way you have to look at life going, Oh my God, if I didn't marry him, I wouldn't have these three incredible humans. And that's, that's what we have to go through. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I wouldn't. And I wouldn't trade my parents. And it's that, you know, so to me, it's the, it's the path I had to take to have these incredible humans.

Mandy: 47:11

I love your perspective on everything, and I think you're right. You built what, however it played out, you built this foundation for your children that was so strong that that's what led Hannah to be able to say within a week that she was ready to tell her mom. I mean, that's incredible. I think that's not

Elaine: 47:29

a common story and also Madeline came home. So my stepdaughter Madeline lived in New York for five years, went to college and said, Oh, I'm having a little hard time. And like, I just want to change. She moved in with me. So her mom is close, you know, her dad's not far away, but she's like, I want to be with the three of you. I want to be, I want to come home. So she moved home a month ago and I'm like, don't know how long she's here. But the fact that I joke, my kids are never leaving me, but but I do love that she's so comfortable with us as a family. The four of us, we're like, we can conquer the world together. And she wants to help Alexander in her senior year and help Hannah with drum lessons and be part of this. That's okay. Like we each need each other and I'm happy. I'm happy. They're my world, you know,

Mandy: 48:14

thank you so much for sharing your story. I think your story is incredible in a million different ways. And I think people are going to listen and feel extremely inspired. Where can people find you?

Elaine: 48:26

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the opportunity. So if you go to herstories. com, you will find Links, the podcast is on Spotify and pretty much any streaming and also YouTube so you can see the, the video piece as well and there's some really cool women and, you know, I'm super excited about kind of where it goes and interviewing more people. Awesome.

Mandy: 48:49

Is there any last advice that you would have for particularly for parents who are discovering that their children are trans? What would you

Elaine: 48:56

say to them? I think listen to your kid. When your child comes to you. Listen, listen, listen, because it's might not be the path you want, but the alternative, which we know the statistics are horrible and no matter what, and if you don't know something, see a doctor, see a therapist and let, let the educators help you understand, but really just. Your child's your child support them any way they want because they're not making a rash decision. This is not an easy path for them. But if they need to and they're finding they're not in the right body and they just something's wrong, listen to them. I think that's the advice of what I would give and what I've learned.

49:40

I hope everyone enjoyed listening to Elaine's story. As much as I did, it's never too early or too late to live our authentic lives. And to accept those around us for embracing their own. Thank you so much for listening, please make sure you subscribe. Share this episode with anyone who could benefit from it and as always visit, remember grams. Anytime you need to send a little love to someone who is grieving. Thank you and have a wonderful day