GriefHab- Rehab for Grief, with Samantha Ruth

Samantha Ruth, a trained psychologist, shares her personal story of love and loss with us. After her husband Jim died, Samantha took an extended period of time to lean deep into her grief, and it led her in a new direction in life.

She is the host of the "Be Ruthless Show" podcast, a podcast dedicated to making noise and breaking stigmas and founder of "GriefHab". You can connect with her and learn more on her website. 

Samantha’s mission is to change the way the world views both grief and  mental illness, so people can get the help they deserve without fear of judgment, labels, and repercussions.

Samantha is the Proud Founder of Griefhab,  rehab for grief, a 24/7 community open to anyone who has experienced a loss. After personally living through this, Sam realized just how much support she needed on a daily basis. She vowed to create these services so that others would have this support available in their times of need. 

In her free time, you can find Sam and
her pups, Sassy and Dallas, on one of
their outdoor adventures. They love living
in Colorado and never miss an
opportunity to explore their beautiful
surroundings. Music fuels Sam’s soul,
family means everything to her, and
honoring her late husband, Jim, gives her life daily purpose.

Transcript

Mandy: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to the Grief Trails podcast. I'm your host, Amanda Kernighan from Remembergrams, a small business dedicated to helping you support those in your life experiencing grief. I hope you'll consider sending someone a personalized card or a grief support box. Shipping within the U. S. is always free and we treat each order with special care, paying attention to every detail. It is sometimes said that grief and love are two sides of the same coin. The greater we love something, the greater we grieve the loss. Today's guest found true love with an epic story that spanned decades, and then lost the love of her life suddenly. Her grief was deep. Just as their love was. And she's here today to share her story. Samantha Ruth is a psychologist, speaker, bestselling author, host of the Be Ruthless Show, a podcast, and proud founder of Grief Hab, a rehab for grief, which is a 24 seven community open to anyone who has experienced a loss. This is her story of her love for Jim, the pain of losing him and the unexpected path that pain has led her to. Let's take a listen.

Samantha: 1:10

Our life, my life with my husband and my work life have always been intertwined in my head because we met. Right when I got my masters, so I was starting my career at the same time we started. So I was 24 and we were babies,

Mandy: 1:26

right?

Samantha: 1:27

And we were together for a few years, and it was just really, truly instant love and everyone knew we would end up together, but we were together. Young and career driven. So we were together for a few years, but we did go our separate ways. And in that time he moved to Colorado and I started a career working with at risk teens and, you know, getting really established. And when we reconnected, my business partner said, you have to have an online presence. You have a great practice, but you have no online presence. And he found me. Within five days, online immediately. So do you think,

Mandy: 2:08

was he like looking for you?

Samantha: 2:11

Always. Aww. We I'm from Michigan, so my family has season tickets to the Lions. So at the time we were together, they were at the Silverdome. And so he could go find me at our seats. They had always been the same, but they changed stadiums. So when they moved to Ford Field, he could no longer find me.

Mandy: 2:29

Wow, what a story.

Samantha: 2:31

So we reconnected in June of 2013. We're engaged over Thanksgiving weekend and I moved to Colorado in January of 2014. We were married that August. And, and I thought that was my happily ever after. We already knew what it was like to lose each other. So you know, we really enjoyed every minute and new life apart. So he unexpectedly passed away while he was making his lunch at work at the end of 2017 from an undetected heart condition. He had his whole life. So, I, you know, felt like I had lost him twice now at this point, and had moved across the country to start an entirely new life. So my first reaction in the hospital was calling my parents and saying, get me home. Like, figure out how to get me back. to Michigan. I, you know, I don't know what to do. By the time I got back to my house and had people waiting for me, and I'm looking at the mountains somehow I knew I needed to stay in Colorado. And I think part of our story was, you know I was very happy about him getting me to Colorado. Because I did a ton of healing through nature. I have two dogs now, but I had one at the time. And I didn't know what to do other than take her to different places outside and kind of get lost. And lost in my surroundings, but also lost literally and find a new way home. And That was therapeutic for me for some reason, but now here I do retreats in my beautiful surroundings. And I think part of our story really was getting me here, thinking about COVID in Michigan, being stuck inside you know, and some of the things that would be different if I lived in Michigan. I just really can't imagine my life there anymore. So I do something outside every day and, and with my dogs and. active hiking and it's a really big part of my life and it's a really big part of how I got through it because I was a very big social butterfly, so was he, and that was not comfortable for me. I needed, like, silence and quiet and I needed to be away from the chaos.

Mandy: 4:55

Yeah, I think nature is one of those, it's one of the most powerful healing tools for me also when I went through my different losses and you know, a lot of people talk about it, but I don't think you can understand the power of what it can do for you until you're there in that space where you don't know How to move forward. You don't know how to get through the day and, and just being able to get out there and, and walk. And I think the silence is really important that you mentioned. A lot of my hiking was done with other people, but in silence, you know? So even though there were people present, you could just walk quietly. Going back to your husband, how long were you back together before this happened?

Samantha: 5:41

Just over four, like four and a half years.

Mandy: 5:44

Oh, wow. Oh, it feels like you got robbed of that experience together. And it was such a, such a lovely love story that he kept looking for you all of that time and knew that you were the one.

Samantha: 5:58

Neither of us married in our time apart. I, I, he really is the only person I've ever loved. And his fraternity is, His family, getting to college and meeting those people really was important in his story. And I say to them all the time, like, you guys had so much time with him. And I had these two chunks. And, and so I get to hear so much about his life through them. And I still feel like I know it all because I hear it and I know the stories, but it's true, like I really didn't have as many years, even though I've known him since I was 24 and he passed away when I was 44. It wasn't 20 years together, even though he had my heart for 20, for, you know, the whole time.

Mandy: 6:45

Yeah. Oh, such a double edged sword, because It feels like you didn't get nearly enough time together and it feels unfair. And then on the other hand, do you think if it was this heart condition that was undetected for, for his whole life, I mean, you may not have had that opportunity to reconnect if that had come to fruition earlier in his life. So I imagine that comes with like a whole mix of emotions for you.

Samantha: 7:13

And then there's some people who never have that. Magical love. My, my grandparents, my dad's parents, I always think of their love story, but I tease my parents. You know, you guys don't, right, like so I, we have that and some people never find that but speaking of the heart condition and I think, I think everyone goes through guilt after loss in some way. Fortunately. Our relationship wasn't a part of that. I didn't have any questions about us, but I went to three cardiologists because I had to know if I did anything wrong. And I also had had back surgery that year. So we passed away a month. After my back surgery. So our life that year was very different as far as what we were doing and I couldn't move. And so yes, he still did his things, but he did less of them because he didn't want to do them without me. So he was far less active. So I was You know, was it my fault that he was not hiking as much and I wasn't cooking for him because I couldn't stand up so his lunches at work were different, you know, so I couldn't just go to one cardiologist and hear that this could have happened at any time I had to go to three and I think That so many people go through that and beat themselves up for these different things that that's an important piece I want people to recognize. I laugh at myself now. My dad's a retired doctor He told me, you know, the funeral, the coroner who did the autopsy. So I put myself through a lot of Unnecessary guilt when there was proven medical information right in front of me just because of my own pain and, you know, that last year that we didn't get to do certain things. But I think we all do that in different ways, whether it's, you know, certain people were fighting at the time.

Mandy: 9:11

Absolutely. And I think the guilt is one of the hardest emotions to move through because there's not always an answer to it. You know, if it, particularly if it is a relationship strain or, you know, you had an argument the last time you spoke with someone and then they passed away or, you know, just different things that happened. Between the two of you, that's hard to reconcile because you can't go back and change it. And there's no one, even though people will say, Oh, you know, they knew that you loved them or whatever. It's very difficult to to accept the bad things that were left on undone or unsaid. I'm glad that your guilt was something that you could receive validation for, and you could get reassurance on, because I think that is helpful, even though you said it took many, many times to hear the same message. Yeah, I agree. I think the guilt is one of the harder points of it. And I know you mentioned nature was very helpful for you in your process. What else got you through that difficult period?

Samantha: 10:16

I didn't mention that I'm a psychologist. So I also am a psychologist trained with loss and grief. So my entire career. Was dealing with this. I worked with teens and suicide and overdose. And so I was getting a lot of pressure from the community. Like, why aren't you, why aren't you back at work? This is what you do. You, you of all people know how to deal with this. So I became very frustrated with the culture. Surrounding grief that there's these expectations for all of us. You're supposed to, and there's this timeline and there's these expectations. So here I was as anyone is lost, but I was nowhere near ready to work. So I started becoming passionate about doing it my way, which was completely unfamiliar and different to who I was. Right? A lot of us change.

Mandy: 11:21

Yeah.

Samantha: 11:21

And I went from, like I said, wanting to always be around people and do social things to needing to be in silence or in different places. So I took another year, another, according to the world. At the eight, nine month mark, I found an opportunity to work with Jack Canfield who wrote all the chicken soup books.

Mandy: 11:42

Yeah.

Samantha: 11:43

And that I had no idea why I just knew he's a mentor to me. I've used his books with my clients. And this was the first thing that felt like I w I want to do this. And I hadn't wanted to do anything for eight or nine months. And I didn't know why. And again, this is unfamiliar to me. I'm the logical person with a planner who could tell you everything and every reason why for the next decade. So I had to explain that to the world. I'm doing this. I don't know why. Please support me. Because I can't tell you any more than that.

Mandy: 12:21

Wow. I think that's a common experience of finding something new that sparks life in you and deciding to just follow that because there's nothing else you can do because you're so stuck and in the grief that you're in, but I also just want to Go back to the point where you said people are like, Well, this is what you do. So you should know how to do it. Because if only grief could just be moved through quickly, if you knew how to do it, that would be so convenient. And it's just not the case. And I remember actually I saw a therapist after my brother died and she in our very first session was like, well, don't worry, you know how to do this because you lost your mom already. And I was so offended by it because I was just like, no, I don't. And, logically knowing how to process something and actually getting through something are very, very different. And so I'm glad you brought that up. And especially I imagine as a psychologist, there comes this extra self expectation or expectation of others, obviously, that you mentioned, but feeling like maybe I should be able to just. Push through this quicker. Were you able to give yourself grace and, and know that it was okay, that it wasn't as quick as others were expecting.

Samantha: 13:41

I had to learn to give myself the grace. I knew I was not okay. And I knew, like, I had a fire in me to sit, like I am letting the world know I'm not okay. I'm not going to put on a happy face or conform to this standard. That we're supposed to do it a certain way. So if I was a mess, you were going to know I was a mess. And if that bothered you, I didn't care. Like really, I didn't care. I still don't care, but I've gotten a little bit more polite about it, but it bothered me that the world expected me. To be worrying about their feelings when you should be worrying about mine. I'm the one who's not okay. So I started making noise about these things, even though I was saying, I'm never going to work again in this field. I want nothing to do with grief. I was already starting to do, you know what I do not realizing that this purpose was unfolding for me and that I was going to be this voice because it took me longer. And I needed that. And then I was okay with that. And I wanted everyone to know that if it takes me 12 years. You're all going to be okay with that.

Mandy: 14:59

So talk to me about this new path that was unfolding and what did that look like? And you mentioned this opportunity with Jack Canfield, what was that and where did it take you?

Samantha: 15:10

Looking back, I can say. That led me to the people who are my family, my chosen family, the connections we need to move through grief. We have friends and family who are amazing and we need them, but we also need people who get it. So I met other widows who were further along. I didn't know they would be there and I met, I just met other people in the grief community and I met people who could lift me up while I couldn't stand up. So that's why I did it. I didn't know. Immediately I met my publisher. I was writing letters to, I still write letters to Jim every day. I didn't know that would lead to writing in books. So it just, these pieces started falling into place and things started happening and this is the first year, 2023 is the first year that I've been having fun, that I've been not forcing myself to do things. But I was still starting to want to do things. Finding people and things that were meaningful again, and I didn't believe I ever would. I thought I lost all my dreams with Jim. So that was, that was hope, that was life again. It was also my new me. I didn't do things without knowing why, like I said. I believed meditating didn't work for me, right? I didn't, I didn't, I didn't live life the way I do now. I won't go a day without meditating now. So it just opened the door for me to slow down. For me to completely do it my way. And change this go, go, go, fast paced, Life I had been living and I'm still a psychologist. I still am those parts of myself, but I've added these new parts that make me a better me and allow me to help my clients in a better way.

Mandy: 17:22

Yeah, tell me about how that worked, because you said, originally you said you didn't want anything to do with the field once he died, and you were looking to totally revamp your career, and I know that you have revamped it, but what does it look like now, and you mentioned clients, are you working as a psychologist currently, or is it different from what you were doing previously?

Samantha: 17:46

So I had started seeing clients online before that was a thing because my clients in Michigan were struggling to find someone new and I was struggling in Colorado getting established. But I didn't care about other people's problems. I mean, I re I just, I didn't, but I, anytime I would meet someone going through any trauma, I instantly felt connected and people were asking me for resources and I'll go back. The hospital gave me nothing. The funeral gave me nothing. Jim and I are organ donors. So donor Alliance was an amazing resource for me, but that just is because of our choices,

Mandy: 18:28

right?

Samantha: 18:28

Millions of other people might not have that. I'm a psychologist, so I came home from the funeral, from the emergency room, called my therapist and said, I need an appointment now, and I need to get back on my medication now. These are my own resources that I know. You're right.

Mandy: 18:46

There's a total gap in the system. There's nothing. And, you know, I think there is something for those who have a slow decline and for people who get into hospice, there are amazing services for family after the loss, and they're so good about it, and then I think about all of us who have sudden loss, and it's just so amazing. There's nothing, there's nothing talked about, given,

Samantha: 19:10

suggested. And our brain changes, so I started thinking, what is the average person who doesn't have my background of resources go through? Because if I would have had to research or find something on my own, My brain was not equipped to do that. Like, Googling information is impossible when you're going through grief and trauma. Right. So I got pissed. I really did. And I said to a friend, I need rehab for grief. I needed help with everything. Going to the grocery store, for every single widow client I work with, is the worst chore in the world. It, it's, it's awful. And my friend said, you need to do something with that. Like that, that is a thing. There's rehab for everything else. Yeah. So you created this, right? Grief Hab is Rehab for Grief. And it is not just, not just the emotional stuff. I do all the things that I needed help with for my clients. So whether that's. Literally from the beginning, if someone is fortunate enough to get my information immediately, I'll help with it all. The death certificates, the notifying people, planning, and any and everything. But I've literally had clients call me on the side of the road, overwhelmed with a flat tire and I'll call AAA for them because they can't even think of what to do because our brains change.

Mandy: 20:42

That's an incredible resource that you've created. What other things do you do with your clients or help us understand like I have online,

Samantha: 20:51

we have groups twice a week, but I also have groups every holiday. Oh yeah. Holidays are not fun, even if they are. You're with your entire family, but then you go home and, and maybe you don't have someone to go home to,

Mandy: 21:05

or

Samantha: 21:05

maybe it's just stressful. The things that the rest of the world doesn't think about because grief is invisible. And we're back to work, we're walking around and we look fine. So, after a certain point in time, Usually a year, the world has this idea that after a year, we're okay again. And

Mandy: 21:28

there's an idea that you're, you're fine in a month.

Samantha: 21:32

People go back to their life and think we're okay. And they stopped checking in as much and we're not okay.

Mandy: 21:39

I think that's another missed opportunity in society. You mentioned the hospitals and the funeral home, but also employers. I mean, I find it infuriating that there is not better bereavement leave in our country for people. You know, you mentioned you needed so much more time, but there are so many people who don't have the opportunity to take more time and they're forced back into their job in three days after losing a spouse or a child or a sibling or a parent. And I just, that always is a really infuriating point to me because I don't understand how we haven't gotten further. We've done so good with things like paternity leave now, you know, I see when I had babies, my husband didn't get paternity leave, but now my brother has babies and he's getting a very generous paternity leave for that. And I just wonder when is the tide going to change for bereavement because employers can't expect you to be productive and. Yeah. So I just think that's another missed opportunity. Sorry. I kind of went off on a tangent, but I was thinking that's a great opportunity to get four

Samantha: 22:47

months to prepare for life, right? You're preparing, but we get one to three days for the loss of life or bring us in, bring us into help your staff. If you expect them to be able to perform the way they did, because I promise you, I cannot. Right. And I have people calling me from bathrooms or cars, or they call in sick because they are petrified of losing their jobs.

Mandy: 23:15

Yeah, I think that's a great point. Have you worked with any employers yet, or have you gotten into any workplaces? Yeah I

Samantha: 23:21

try. I beg. And the person, it's funny, I'm doing my podcast after this. And the person I'm having, this is what we're talking about, she, calling congressman, like, what do we need to do for bereavement? I have someone who left her job to get on the board of her company specifically for these things. Because of how they treated her when she lost a child. You know, we can't function the same. We, we want to be here and do our jobs well. Can you adapt and meet us? Right.

Mandy: 23:53

It's so important. So the work you're doing is incredible and it's so needed. And I just think of you as like, you're just one person and they're, I mean, this is such a huge issue. It's nationwide and you're right. It's so many different touch points that are missing. I, I commend you for trying to approach this problem, but I hope it can like pick up somehow and become a movement that really changes the way. our culture views everything and how we deal with the

Samantha: 24:20

aftermath. I mean, it's a huge problem of the event I told you about before we started recording was during National Grief Awareness Week. No one knows it exists. I made a calendar. I spent all of, I spent a year trying to get it added to calendars and couldn't. So I created my own with all the awareness dates that the world should be talking about. And there's a lot, like lots, millions, not hundreds every week, month. That if you knew, if your employer had, you could look at and say, National Suicide Survivors Day, and you could maybe think of someone in your world that you could call and make a huge difference.

Mandy: 25:00

Right, because You know, those are recognized when it's a big, well known thing. So breast cancer awareness is always recognized at work. Usually, sometimes they'll have something for like heart awareness. Not as often, I think, as like I see breast cancer. But some of the other things are just never, ever recognized. But half of it is. Right. But I work in a hospital, so you would think that we would be all over, like, colon cancer awareness and overdose awareness, and, and the only people who are really aware of those are the people who lost someone

Samantha: 25:32

to that. Exactly. So so how, how do I get the calendars in the hospitals and schools, right? Because I made them, because no one would just hit edit and add the days to your calendars. So that's what I'm doing now. They should be everywhere. Because then, all it would do is, Oh, I should call so and so, or let's go to dinner, so you don't have to go home alone tonight. It's a really simple way to think more about people in your world who are not okay. They're really not. Whether it's been one year or ten.

Mandy: 26:06

I love everything you're doing. Is there anything that you want to add to either explain more about grief hab and what you've created or is there anything that you would want to say to people who, you know, are feeling stuck and feeling lost in this moment of their lives?

Samantha: 26:24

You're not alone and You are not wrong, but the world is backwards. And like I said, the world was making me feel like I should conform and act a certain way so that they didn't feel uncomfortable and I just wouldn't do it. And it took a lot to say, so what, you know, this is how I am. You don't have to do that alone. If you want to reach out, if you need support. I understand that that can be overwhelming, but other people are the ones that need to be meeting us where we are. And if that's a conversation with your spouse or your employer that's what I'm here for to help you get the support you need your way.

Mandy: 27:16

And what about, you mentioned that you've had a book published, I think tell me about that. And also you mentioned your podcast, so I would love to know what the name of your podcast is and what it's about.

Samantha: 27:29

I have chapters in several books all connected to my story and grief, and writing with others is so therapeutic if you want to share a story. I did announce Faces of Grief my book project currently has been Faces of Mental Illness but we're doing Faces of Grief, which is just like the Chicken Soup books, chapters and stories and people working together and sharing their own stories of loss. So, anybody wants to write and heal and connect with others, just go to our website at www. facesofgrief. com. Thank you. That's going on and we're launching that during National Grief Awareness Week 2024

Mandy: 28:09

during the next,

Samantha: 28:10

Yeah, just trying to get these powerful, important dates more noticed so that we can all get the support we need. But I would, I would say writing is a very powerful way to heal also, even if you, bullet points. One of my clients makes journals where one side is bullet points and she started with just positive things in her day. And the other side was negative. And when she went through her loss, the positive side didn't have very much. But it grows. So you don't have to be a writer to get it out. And so, you know, I love, I write letters to Jim every day. And that is what led to this.

Mandy: 28:50

And I like knowing that it can be so different for each person. So for you is writing letters and for this client, it's writing things in bullet point journal format. For me, I remember people had said, Oh, you should journal journaling is really helpful. I've never been a journaler and writing with pen and paper is just not my medium. And when I started writing on my laptop and typing, it was a whole different experience for me. So I think just. for people to know that writing can be a lot of different things that can come out in different ways and they're all equally valid. So just find the one that feels the most comforting to you and the most helpful to you. And I also think in relation to the books There is something really powerful about reading other people's experience and seeing the similarities there for you and finding that validation. Books were very helpful to me in my own grief and I don't think we have enough out there really highlighting what people go through. So I'm glad to see that there are more on the way. And yeah, and then of course we have podcasts and I try to highlight grief stories. And so I'd love to know what your podcast is about and what it's called.

Samantha: 30:04

It's called The Be Ruthless Show. Making noise and breaking stigmas. I I do a lot about grief, but also mental health, or the things the world avoids talking about that we need to have more conversations about.

Mandy: 30:17

I love it. And where can people find you if they would like to connect with Grief Hub or learn more about your services?

Samantha: 30:25

SamanthaRuth. com. Grief Hub is on Facebook. But everything's on my website also.

Mandy: 30:31

Awesome. Thank you so much. Do you have anything else that you would want to share with people before we close up?

Samantha: 30:37

I would just say that what you feel insecure about or what you are thinking is your negative or your weakness can be your biggest strength. So, grief, people maybe see that as a weakness, it can be your biggest strength. It doesn't have to be. So if we don't let the world make us or anyone make us feel like something is wrong and we use it however it feels right for us, then everything can change.

Mandy: 31:08

And it does have the potential to open up new pathways in your life that weren't there before. And I love hearing people's stories about things they've created since the loss. And I've seen so many different stories. I just, I find it very inspirational to know that we've all been in that place where things are very dark and you don't see how you're going to move forward. You don't know how you're going to get through the next day. And then to take a look back at people who've all been in that place and now where they are, and many of them are thriving and doing all sorts of things that are very creative and unique. And I think we lose some of those walls where. Prior, maybe you're afraid to try something new or you don't want to break the mold, but once you're already broken, it's easy to say, well, what do I have to lose? I have nothing to lose. I'm just going to try this new thing. And, and that's really powerful.

Samantha: 32:04

And it doesn't mean we don't still have hard days or hard moments. But we learn how to get through them. I'm not, I still cry every day, but I'm not sobbing in a ball, hyperventilating.

Mandy: 32:16

And you know, what can help your soul in those moments. And you know, that you can walk outside with your dogs and go for a hike or or sit down and write. I think finding the things that work for us is really important also. And you're right. And giving ourselves grace that holidays are still going to be really hard and a random Tuesday that. Things are just piling up and stressful are going to be hard and, and it's okay if you're crying in the shower or, you know, whatever, however, you're letting it out. That's totally normal, even if it's been years and we're all there. I hope you enjoyed today's show and feel validated that even a trained psychologist in grief and loss Will tell you that we all have our own timelines for grief and that is perfectly okay Thank you so much for listening Please make sure you subscribe share this episode with anyone who it could benefit And as always visit remember grams anytime you need to send a little love to someone who is grieving Thank you and have a wonderful day