Stillbirth, A Worst Perfect Storm with Liz O'Donnell

Elizabeth “Liz” O’Donnell is a steadfast infant loss advocate leading the charge in raising awareness and prevention of stillbirth and infant mortality. Her daughter, Aaliyah, was born still in 2020. Today, she runs a one-woman non-profit keeping her daughter’s spirit alive, supporting mothers and families across the country who experience the pain of losing a baby and advocating for legislation that could reduce the number of U.S. stillbirths. 

Liz is also a Director of Awareness for PUSH for Empowered Pregnancy, a grassroots initiative that advocates for evidence-based, respectful, and equitable maternity care. Prior to her advocacy work, Liz was a dedicated D.C. Public Schools elementary math and science school teacher for 7 years. 

In 2020, Liz was sent home from the hospital with only her daughter's footprints and baby blanket.. When her employer revoked her paid leave for her recovery, she shared her experience on social media in a post that went viral and launched her advocacy. Later, in 2021, the DC paid family leave legislation was amended to include stillbirth.

Inspired by an outpouring of support and motivated to keep her daughter’s spirit alive, Liz started Aaliyah in Action (AiA). The non-profit supports women and families following perinatal, neonatal or infant loss with self-care packages and bereavement support books. Liz has partnered with 50+ hospitals around the country (and counting) to provide curated self-care packages. More than 1,500 families have received AiA support packages in 40 states, Canada, Jamaica and the UK. AiA boxes contain items sourced from women and Black-owned businesses, the community her daughter would have been a part of. 

A positive, energetic force who excels at community building, connection and empathy, Liz earned both a B.A. in Sociology and  Psychology and an M.Ed in Elementary Education from The George Washington University. She lives in DC and is currently pursuing her Masters in Public Health back at GW. 

Transcript

Mandy: 0:00

Hello, and welcome back to the Grief Trails Podcast. I am your host, Amanda Kernighan from Remembergrams, a small business dedicated to helping you support those in your life experiencing grief. I hope you'll consider sending someone a personalized card or grief support box. Shipping within the U. S. is always free, and we treat each order with special care, paying attention to every detail. It's hard to believe that it's already the month of May and that summer is just around the corner. If you didn't know, May is Women's Health Awareness Month, and it is also the month of Mother's Day. As many listeners know, Mother's Day can be difficult and layered, complex, year after year, for so many who've experienced loss, be that of a child or of a mother. After recording this episode a few weeks ago, I thought May would be the perfect time to share Liz's story with you all, one that will touch us as we think of the approaching Mother's Day and what that means for moms who've had similar experiences as Liz, and as a month to really focus on the health of women, something Liz helps advocate for in her work. I'm delighted to introduce today's guest, Elizabeth Liz O'Donnell, a fierce advocate for women and families in raising awareness of mental health issues. And prevention of stillbirth and infant mortality. She's the founder of a nonprofit, Aaliyah in Action, in honor of her daughter, that you'll hear more about in today's episode, as well as director of awareness for PUSH for Empowered Pregnancy, a grassroots initiative that pushes for evidence based respectful and equitable maternity care. Join me as she walks us through the story of her and her daughter, Aaliyah.

Liz: 1:44

Thank you so much for having me. I mean, I'm really happy to be here and share my story and my daughter's story. I guess I would say this got started probably right when COVID started happening. I exactly right. All good things started with COVID. I was a first grade teacher at the time and we were told to pack up. It'll be a couple weeks. Thanks Then we'll be back. We all know that didn't happen. And around end of May, very early June, I found out that I was pregnant, which was definitely a surprise, but I had felt great the whole time we were winding down the school year, getting ready for the summer. And that's, you know, very, very exciting. Despite all that was going on with COVID. So life definitely looked different. Doctor appointments look different. The lack of being able to hang out with friends and family was tough at first, but I also think When I found out I was pregnant, it really allowed me to bond with my baby because it was, you know, just us. And you know, not many friends and family around. So it was a really beautiful time. Was this

Mandy: 2:59

your first pregnancy?

Liz: 3:01

Yes, first pregnancy. And it did come as a pretty big shock because I was under the impression from doctors that it would be difficult to get pregnant and that I would probably need help in the future when I was ready for that time. So to find this out, You know, her father and I were like, Oh my gosh, how did this happen? But it was, it was exciting. And I, at the end of the summer found out that I was having a girl and my mom was able to visit. And so I got all these balloons that said, it's a girl. We did all that with my mom, which was great. End of November, we had a beautiful baby shower. It was very COVID friendly. It was, it was awesome. And not only was it awesome to celebrate our daughter, it was also the first time. So many of our friends had seen each other because of the lockdown in a, in a safe environment where we could still all be together. So not only was it celebrating our baby, but it was also, you know, just a big celebration really for everybody that hadn't left their house in months. And then just a few weeks after that, everything had changed.

Mandy: 4:13

How were you, the, from the time you found out you were pregnant through to your baby shower, and you mentioned that you spent a lot of time at home because it was COVID, were you feeling okay through the pregnancy? Did you have the typical pregnancy that people imagine?

Liz: 4:28

Very typical. I will actually, I guess maybe let me rephrase that. I guess maybe atypical in that I was, I never had morning sickness. I always felt great. My only big issue was that I was tired and always drinking water. Those were my issues. If that's what you want to call them while pregnant. Otherwise I felt wonderful. I, Had never been healthier. I was just so much more in tune with myself and my body than I had ever been. And every doctor appointment that I went to, some of them, her father could come, some of them not. It was just depending on what the appointment was for, but all good reports, all great reports, no issues, no blood sugar issues, nothing like that.

Mandy: 5:19

And I imagine with it being COVID and being at home, you kind of got that extra benefit of being able to rest and to sleep when your body needed it and feel like you're able to rest. Give your pregnancy, you know, exactly what everyone wants to be able to do is like pay attention to your body and be able to nurture yourself in that time. So almost like exactly in disguise.

Liz: 5:42

Right. And I was teaching, you know, so I was teaching virtually and in between, I would try to do a workout class in between part of the classes. And then with the other ones, I would like take a 10 minute nap, you know, to recharge. And that never obviously would have been able to happen if. Life was normal or what it had been before. So I did really embrace that time because I could really craft it to what I wanted and what my body needed it to be.

Mandy: 6:08

Right. So then you had your big baby shower and everyone got together and then what changed in your pregnancy? It was right

Liz: 6:19

after Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving Day, I noticed Aaliyah had been moving a lot, and I thought that she was matching my energy because it was I was back home seeing family for the first time in a while. It's Thanksgiving, which, Is was is my favorite holiday, and I didn't really think anything of it. I still felt great. And again, we had every doctor appointment telling us that everything is amazing. This is so great. Couple days later, I was actually in Jersey visiting my family for Thanksgiving, came back down to D. C. Decorating the house for Christmas. And I just kind of realized I haven't felt her move today. And so I thought, okay, maybe it's because I've just been decorating the house trying to get everything in order. So I sat down, I did everything that, you know, Google and TikTok tells you to do, have some sugar, you know, jump around a little bit, do something, move your body to kind of jolt them and nothing was happening. So I texted my doula. I was very fortunate to have a doula, a very big doula advocate as well, because she encouraged me to go to the hospital, get checked out. It'll probably be nothing. But better safe than sorry. And here I was the whole time thinking, Oh my gosh, it's still COVID, right? I don't want to bother the people at the hospital. Like they don't want some first time mom coming up here. Like, I think something is wrong when my chart shows that everything has been great.

Mandy: 7:53

So

Liz: 7:53

I was a little hesitant at first, but good thing I went.

Mandy: 7:58

Yeah. Was your partner there with you when this was happening? Did they know that?

Liz: 8:06

So Alia's father and I don't live together and he is a first responder. And so he had work the next day and I didn't even want to bother him because first responders, they wake up super duper early. If you know anything about that life, he's up at four and this, by the time this all happened, it was around 11 at night. And so I said, you know, I'll tell him about it tomorrow and he's going to roll his eyes at me, you know, for freaking out about nothing and looking back at that now, I know that that was a huge mistake, but again, I thought, I honestly thought that I was just. Kind of crazy, honestly, because then I was kind of worrying. I was like, no, you're just getting freaked out

Mandy: 8:50

about nothing. There's nothing wrong, right? It's so common I think women in our society to second guess ourselves and our intuition I I can say I think almost every woman who's ever been pregnant has probably had moments where you think I don't think I felt the baby move and then you think Of course, like, of course everything is fine, right? You talk yourself out of it. So I can totally see how you'd be in this space thinking, I am going crazy. Like, this is so silly and so stupid and everything is fine. Exactly that. And it had been such a

Liz: 9:25

busy few days. You know, too, I was thinking maybe she's tired like me, you know, I'm tired. We've been up and down, you know, from Jersey to DC decorating, cooking, all this stuff. So to me, it just made sense that, okay, you know, maybe we're just having an off day when I got to the hospital and the nurse. You know, could not find a heartbeat and said there was something wrong with the machine. I could just tell with the way that she looked. I still, I still didn't click, but I just remember, and I obviously think about this now all the time. That's the part of grief. I, Looking at it now, I think I knew, but I was just kind of confused in those moments. And then when they brought another machine in and one of the midwives, I was working with the midwives, the hospital that I was at, you know, I just, I, I knew And then I was like, Oh my gosh, I came here alone. I didn't tell her dad, nobody knows I'm here. I left my dog at home alone. I literally walked right out of the house past, I'd already had the hospital bag ready to go. I'm a very organized person, so everything is all lined up, ready to go. I walked past all of it thinking I'll be back in 20 minutes, 30 minutes only to not come back for. Three days after I walked out of my house and came back into my house no longer pregnant. So That was I definitely went into shock and I think Reflecting on my grief. My grief is not Out loud if that makes sense. My grief is I'm in shock. I don't Talk. I don't move. I just kind of sit there and I'm thinking that is grief for me is a lot of thinking. And the whole time I was, you know, making phone calls to obviously get her father to the hospital quickly. And my mom's got to get on a train and my best friend needs to come down. I was just thinking of, okay, what are, what do I need to do to get through this? And I'll deal with the rest of it after. What do I need to do

Mandy: 11:32

right now? Oh, yeah. I think that's a very common experience to go through a checklist because it helps you to keep functioning. If you have a checklist to get through, then you have something that you can focus on where that isn't the grief itself. Yeah. And I was doing

Liz: 11:47

that the whole time. I was like, let me think of a checklist for everything just so I don't have to think about what is happening to me in this moment.

Mandy: 11:54

Right. Was anyone able to get there that night or did you spend that first night alone? Oh,

Liz: 12:00

yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no. Her father was there. I mean, within 20 minutes because, you know he, we, we live in DC, so, you know, he was there very quickly and my mom was there first thing the next morning, got on the first train that she could. So, you know, that, and my best friend and my best friend's mom came down with her so that she wasn't alone, which I appreciate more than. Cause again, we're still in that COVID time, you know, it's not as bad as it was, but it wasn't great. It was scary to not be able to have my mom in the hospital room with me. It was only her father and our doula, but you know, I, I kind of think about it now. If we didn't have our doula with us, I, we would have been a mess. Like she really kept us together, which I am forever, forever grateful for because the two of us just sat. And they're, you know, we're being talked up for midwives, OBs have to come in, we've got nurses, there's a social worker. And the two of us, I think our grief in a lot of ways is very similar in that we're making those checklists, we're shutting down, we just kind of listen, take it all in and don't say much. So the two of us are just sitting there like, you know, kind of unresponsive when we need to be making all these decisions. So I'm very grateful for my doula. But those three days I And this is another thing that I always go back and forth with, but in the, during the time that it happened, it was the best decision for me. I wanted to try to stick with my birth plan. We had already done all that stuff. I had planned on having an unmedicated birth and I, because it was another thing when this happens to you, you have lost all control. And that for me, before Aaliyah was very hard. During those moments was even harder, and to this day it's still hard. And so I just wanted to grab all the control that I could. And I tried, but after two days I said, Okay, maybe this is not healthy for me. It's not healthy for her father to watch. It's not good. Like, let's go home. And I delivered Aaliyah December 1st, 2020. About five, I forget the exact time, five, something in the morning, and then I had to go to surgery after which was kind of scary. I'd never had surgery before, so not only did I Just endure a stillbirth. I then had to go to surgery. And after that, I just, her father and I looked at each other. We were like, we got to get out of here. And I said, I can't get out of here unless I can walk. They said, if you can walk and proved us that you can walk without help, we'll let you go today. And so I had him get me up in that room. I was like, we got to get me walking. We got to do anything. I got to get out of here. And we did. We did it. We were out that day. Yeah. And since then, walking out of that hospital room, they did not do anything to accommodate us leaving in terms of, you know, going out a back door or not having to look at other people in labor or hear people in labor or hear a baby cry as we were walking out. We just walked out of that room and into an elevator. And as soon as we walked downstairs, there was a woman in labor going into the elevator. And I was just like, okay, I got to go. And that really taking all of that in, in those first few moments after being able to walk again, leaving not pregnant when I walked in pregnant and then just seeing what the world looked like after this, oh my gosh, it just, it changed everything,

Mandy: 15:49

going back to the experience of having to give birth. Did the team, you said that you did need surgery after, did you end up having time with Aaliyah before you had to go into surgery? Yes.

Liz: 16:04

Given the time that I delivered her, they had their shift change. So I had to wait for surgery and that was our time that we could spend with her. Initially, we both, I didn't know what to expect. I, I don't blame the hospital for this at all because I've learned in this journey that it's pretty much everywhere. Nobody knows how to talk to you about it. What your baby looks like, what you can do, what you can't do. We had initially said, you know, we'll say hi and then we're done. Cause I just, I couldn't bear like having to hold my dead child. My doula again, talked to us. We, we also said no pictures at first. I am so grateful that I was asked, we were asked several times because we ended up changing our mind, which. Thank God for that. Sometimes people are not asked several times and then they have huge regrets later. So that's a very important. If you are working with people in this space, please ask questions, sentimental or memory making questions. Please ask them several times because the answer might change my little PSA for that. But I was very grateful to have these pictures with her. My doula took them and I said, I'm not ready, for them now. She said, no, no problem. Whenever you're ready for them, let me know. Of course, that first night that I was home, I immediately texted her. I said, okay, I'm ready for them. But. I feel like I was still in such shock. I don't really remember. I don't really remember the entire time in the hospital. I sometimes feel, and I look at the pictures and I'm like, was I ever even there? Like I, I felt like it was just, I blacked out for three days. So I don't really remember the time as much as I wish I did, which is why I'm so grateful for those pictures.

Mandy: 17:58

Yeah. And for your doula, not everyone gets a doula. And did your doula have any training or experience with stillbirth and this kind of loss so that she was more prepared to guide you through the experience?

Liz: 18:15

Yeah. She's a full spectrum doula. And I think that I'm happy that you asked that because again, not everybody that has a doula has one that knows what to do and knows how to advocate in those moments. And of course that's not something that you want to even think about when hiring a doula, but as long as they are a full spectrum doula, then yes, they have that training. And again, so grateful for that because she guided us through and sometimes I do think about, oh my gosh, if she wasn't there, maybe we wouldn't have pictures. She wasn't there, maybe I would have just looked at Aaliyah and not have held her, because I didn't know what to do. And as great as the staff was, it's hard to talk to a parent that has just had their world just completely pulled out from under them. So to have someone there in charge on my team was huge.

Mandy: 19:12

I think that's such helpful information for other people. Parents or will be parents in the future. I've only heard of birth doulas but I hadn't ever heard the term full spectrum doula. So I think that's really helpful for people to know when they are searching out a doula that, that might be a skill set that they want to have in the doula that they choose.

Liz: 19:33

Because another element that is really tough to think about, but for women that are given life limiting diagnosis or something like that for their baby and making choices, you want someone that is going to explain them to you, support you. And that's that full spectrum, you know, they're with you from day one. The start of your pregnancy until the end of it, no matter how that looks,

Mandy: 19:58

did she provide you support following everything and in the aftermath of your green? Yes.

Liz: 20:06

Yes. Some of my favorite books she sent to us definitely put me in contact with some other people that might be helpful. And this was another thing about the hospital, nobody tells you that even though your baby is not leaving with you, your body does not know that. And so, you know, nobody told me that the lactation would be occurring. I just assumed that it wouldn't because surely my body knows that there's nobody to feed here. Nope, not true at all. So you know, She set us up with the lactation consultant to come to the house to help guide me through that because I was like, well now, like, what do I do? Why didn't nobody tell me? And that's a whole nother level of trauma as well. So she definitely helped. Yeah. Even afterwards as well.

Mandy: 20:55

Did the hospital provide you with any resources when you left?

Liz: 20:59

We had the little memory box, which I love now did not look at it for a very long time. So in the moment that was not very helpful because I, I did not want to look at anything in there. I remember being given just some printout of a bunch of doctor's names. But that was it. And it, you know, it looked like very old and I was like, do I even want to call these people? I don't even want to tell anybody that this happened to me. I don't know what I want to do. I had seen, you know, a therapist before, randomly at times, but nothing for this. So while it was well intentioned, you know, to me it was just a piece of paper with a bunch of people's names on it that I've never even called.

Mandy: 21:47

Yeah. You know. I think over and over again, I talk to people who have stories and our society, like our medical system does such a great job with certain things, but loss seems to be one of those things that really falls through the cracks every time. And whether that's because people don't know how to talk about it or because there aren't the resources out there or whatever the reason is, it's just such a huge gap in the system. And it's so sad that that is the reality for so many people. And I'm so glad that you had someone who was connected to resources who could connect with her.

Liz: 22:24

Well, and I think that that treatment, realizing that I have the support and resources, if it was not for that person, I would not have known about them. Why am I in the hospital? I'm leaving with. Really no help. That's kind of what put me on this new path in life because I saw the differences and I had never been in a position where I had to think about loss like that and it never crossed my mind. I wasn't educated on it. And now it's the only thing I talk about really, because I saw, I saw that gap in care for the person that needed to walk out that door and into a world that did not look the same as when I had walked into the hospital.

Mandy: 23:13

And speaking of walking out of the world in this new space and you had to go back home and I'm assuming you had all of your gifts from your baby shower there and you said your hospital bags were packed. I mean, just the experience I imagine walking back into your home was traumatic.

Liz: 23:34

Yes, I stayed with my mom at the hotel she was staying at. Because that first night, cause I also, since I had had surgery and everything, I needed to be watched and because I could not spend time with my mom while I was in the hospital, I said, okay, this first night that I'm out, let me stay with her. Just you know, be with, I mean, you know, if, if you're able to be with your mother after something like this, then that's, that's important. Again, I know that not everybody. Has that though, and so I am very mindful of that, but I just knew I needed to be with my mom and When I did go back home, I wanted to go by myself, which was the best decision for me. Of course, you know, friends, her father, my mom, you know, wanted to go with me. I said, no,

Mandy: 24:27

something

Liz: 24:27

I want to do on my own. My friend brought my dog back. She had picked him up gotten in the house to take him for a few days. I said, nope, I just want to be with Leo in my home alone. I got to figure this out. It was really hard though, because you know, for baby showers, it's. You know, the whole bring a thing of diapers for a raffle ticket and stuff. So I had the whole hallway here lined with every size diaper you could imagine. And I had just a week before that, before leaving for Thanksgiving, had washed all the clothes, finished up the nursery, everything was done. And I just kind of sat in there that first night, asked my doula for the pictures of And I would, I, you know, it's so surreal and I think a lot of people who have suffered a loss, not necessarily this form of loss. You just kind of sit there and you just ask yourself, how did this happen? How did I get here? What just happened these past three days? That's all I could not wrap my head around. I was just here decorating this house for Christmas. Thinking I was going to be gone for 20 minutes, and now all of a sudden, at this time, it's December 2nd, I left on November 28th, you know, how, what is going on, and what on earth am I going to do next? Like I couldn't wrap my head around that at the time,

Mandy: 25:57

correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard for this kind of loss that often comes with, because it was your body and this happened and there's often no answer about why this happened or there's no way that it could have been prevented. But I, I've heard that women often go through this period of really. Self-criticism or self Oh yeah. You know, trying to think of like, why did this happen to my baby? Mm-Hmm. And was it anything that I did? And I think that's like a very normal response as a mom, but also incredibly painful and adds a layer of grief that isn't always there with every kind of loss, but it's different. Correct.'cause it was your own body and you know, you were growing your daughter inside of you. So did you have any of that guilt?

Liz: 26:43

Initially, I did. Yes, we were offered the option of an autopsy, but the doctor said You know, we kind of looked her over and everything looks fine. So if you do choose an autopsy, we don't think we're going to be able to tell you anything. We don't think anything's going to show up. They said, usually we can tell sometimes this just happens, which to me was like, what do you mean? Sometimes this just happens. You know, at that time I could not, again, couldn't wrap my head around it. Luckily, because I had been, you know, very involved in speaking out with some of my treatment for my employer after having to go back to work, and now all of a sudden just being in this. This baby loss community space was introduced to a fabulous group of, of stillbirth moms. And when I started to share some of the information that was given to me post Aaliyah, they gave me resources to try to find an answer. And luckily due to an amazing placental pathologist, we were able to get an answer not long after So I think the fact that I was able to get an answer relatively quickly greatly helped me just kind of understand everything and I'm always going to think part of it was my fault. I think that's just natural. I will never be able to let that go, but it is helpful to know that. Look, this is what happened. It may have been preventable. We'll never know for sure, but that's something I'm working on post Aleah. It is, you know, little things that should have been checked or looked at that were not, could have saved my child's life if a plan was in place, which is very frustrating now to know. But Part of my grief journey is making sure that other people don't go through this if it can be prevented and supporting people when it's too late. And so, you know, it's, it's kind of given me a, an answer, but it's still very tough every day.

Mandy: 28:44

Absolutely. But I think. That in and of itself is a little bit of a gift to know that there was an identifiable reason. Yes. Because so many people don't get that, you know, who just never know what happened. Oh my

Liz: 28:58

gosh, you're totally right. And I've spoken to a lot of mothers that happened, you know, this happened 20, 30 years ago. There's, I mean, people just started finding out and we just now have the technology to find out what happened with. Stillbirth, and I cannot imagine where I would be or what I would be doing now if I didn't have those answers so quickly. I think that helped me in my grief journey a lot.

Mandy: 29:25

And this, for you, all happened right around the holidays. So Thanksgiving, it just happened, Christmas was coming, I don't know if you celebrate Christmas or holidays, but I do. I mean, how, how did you get through the holidays and how has it impacted your holidays since then?

Liz: 29:44

So the first Christmas which was just, you know, less than 20 minutes after, you know, everything happened. I decided to just stay at home. Her father was over. We just had something with us. Of course, I had already gotten all these presents and all this stuff and, you know, had to return a lot of it, which was its own you know, experience in and of itself, but we just had a quiet night and that was that. The holidays for me, I'm a big holiday person. My home is decorated to the nines. I just love cooking. I cook everything. I do everything traditional bubble ball, all that stuff. And it has been difficult to do that post Aaliyah, but it's still important. Like, so for me, the last thing I did while pregnant was decorate my house for Christmas. So. I'm kind of happy in a way that that's the last thing I did because now it's like my tradition with Aaliyah, you know, that was the last thing we did together. Same thing with Thanksgiving. I had a great Thanksgiving with family, cooked the whole dinner, all that stuff while I was pregnant. That was like, you know, the second to last thing we did in all honesty. So I think for me, while, while holidays of course can be very complicated and and actually. Aaliyah's first anniversary, I had COVID, so I was kind of happy about that because nobody could visit me. So I had Thanksgiving here alone and, you know, then her birthday came and went and nobody could come visit me cause I had COVID. So I was, you know, I hate that. thing. I was happy about that. But, you know, for me, it was like, okay, this is good. Cause I could be alone. I could feel what I wanted to feel. I didn't have to act. I didn't have to put on a smile or talk about being sad, all that stuff. So holidays, I say all that to say holidays are complicated, but the fact that I had some of the best days of my life. Right before this all happened, kind of helps a little bit, helps a little bit.

Mandy: 31:56

I love that perspective of that being the last thing they did together and being able to carry that forward into, you know, the future holidays that you have in front of you. And I know that holidays for all of us who have been through grief. Are, are complicated and some are harder than others and some years are harder than others and all of that is totally normal and and acceptable. You know, there's no rules about it or anything, but it's, it's always interesting to hear different perspectives. So, after all of this happened, we're still in COVID times. Did you go back to work at any point after the loss or how was that for you?

Liz: 32:35

Yeah. So it was, it's challenging because I, you know, being a teacher, I had saved up all this leave. I had my leave approved for, you know, maternity leave and all that. And, you know, I was so nervous about having to tell my employer. What happened or that I was supposed to be out for, she was due end of January. So I was supposed to be out for the whole rest of the school year.

Mandy: 33:00

And

Liz: 33:00

so I was saying, you know, I'm just going to take my six weeks and then I'm actually going to be coming back. So at that point I was feeling terrible for the long term sub that they had gotten me because it's like, Oh, actually, I'm sorry, I'm going to need my job back. I just felt so terrible about that. And you know, at the same time, of course, I'm focusing on everything else other than. Me and how I'm feeling. Right. So, you know, I explained what happened and they, you know, immediately told me that my leave was going to be revoked because I could not provide a birth certificate. And you know, you can take sick leave if you want, but come back to work. So I thought surely someone is just confused with what I'm saying and maybe doesn't understand what a still birth is, or that I still gave birth and then I had surgery and I hemorrhaged and all this stuff and I can't really walk that well.

Mandy: 33:48

Yeah.

Liz: 33:51

Oh yeah. Can't forget that. Yeah. All of, all of these things for the worst perfect storm and was told that I had to go back to work. So to make a long story short for Washington DC, I've been able to get some laws changed that protect stillbirth parents to still have their paid family leave after stillbirth and seeing that a school system had treated me like that after all I've given to them for years. I knew I needed to walk away from it, which was its own grief journey because my whole life, I had wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl playing, you know, made me hold basement into a school. I was a teacher since I was three as far as I was concerned. So to have to walk away from a profession that I loved, still love felt like a whole another depth.

Mandy: 34:45

Yeah.

Liz: 34:46

And I was so frustrating because I had just been treated with respect and my daughter's life treated with respect. I would not be on this podcast right now. I would probably be teaching math. Right,

Mandy: 35:00

it's

Liz: 35:02

challenging. And I think sometimes I try my best to just not think about it because first I lost Aaliyah and then I made a choice to walk away from my career, but it's a choice I had to make because I. Was trying to respect myself the most I could despite everything that had just happened to me. So that was very, very challenging at the time.

Mandy: 35:26

I, you know Bereavement, the way that it is not acknowledged and respected in any workplace. I mean, I very rarely do I hear a guest say that their employer was really great about it and super flexible with them. Often it's the opposite. Like, you're a story where you're asked to come back really quickly. You have to deplete any vacation time you have if you want to have any time off. That's exactly what I did. And it's just awful. I, and, you know, someone else compared it and says, you know, as we begin life. We're often given 12 weeks, but as we're ending a life, you're given three days, if not, and yeah, the whole thing infuriates me, and I have definitely mentioned this before, but I just, I would love to see that change, and I love that you are involved in advocacy work and trying to get laws changed to that effect, because what a huge benefit that is to future parents who are going to be in that position, as much as we wish no one else would have to go through that. There will be more where you are. to know that you've given them the gift of some respect from their employer is huge.

Liz: 36:35

Absolutely. And, and, you know, with the whole family leave, that was changed in October of 2021. But when I went public with my story, the district had enacted an emergency bereavement bill, which still is still in place. And it's for any parent that loses a child under the age of 21, two weeks of leave. And then in stillbirth was eventually added to the paid family leave. So it does give me some Comfort to know me sharing my story has not only helped stillbirth parents, but any parents that loses a child, you know, under 21, but still giving those days that are so needed. And of course we know that two weeks is not enough, but it's better than three. So to know that that is still in place for parents. Is, has been, you know, very comforting to me.

Mandy: 37:31

Wow. So you left teaching. Where has life taken you since that time? What have you done aside from this advocacy around policy? What else are you doing in this space? So

Liz: 37:44

I decided to support families that have been, you know, I say forced to walk this grief journey. And I started a nonprofit called Aaliyah in action. And we provide self care packages to families after any form of perinatal or neonatal loss. So we have a package and then we have support books, a range of them that are given depending on the family's situation. We partner with hospitals. And you wait, we ship them out. So if anyone's listening, we ship them out to anyone who requests one, but we partner with hospitals, which is especially important to me so that when you walk out of that hospital and the world looks different. You have a package of just little self care items that someone else that has walked that same walk knows what you're thinking in these moments and knows how treacherous it is and knows that when you are on the couch crying all day, you might need some lip balm. You might need a little face mask. You might want to go shower with a beautiful aromatherapy shower steamer just to make you feel something

Mandy: 38:55

when

Liz: 38:55

you feel so numb. And that is what the start. Of the grief journey looks like for a lot of us lost parents, I'm not going to say it gets better down the road, but I think when you set yourself up with little supports like that, it helps the journey not be so rocky in those moments. Next coming months to years, and I want everyone to feel supported after experiencing this because you feel alone. You feel like everyone's staring at you. You feel like this has not happened to anybody else. And sadly, that's just not true. It's happened to a lot of people.

Mandy: 39:35

I love it. That you're working with hospitals because I think that just just even the acknowledgement of what somebody is going through and what they're facing as they leave the hospital because it doesn't end when you leave the hospital. That's not really the beginning of this. And so to be able to be given something to say, you know, we know you're walking into a new phase and recognize that is is incredible.

Liz: 40:00

Yeah, and I, I also have no cost resources on there cause there, there are really great resources out there, but I did not leave the hospital knowing about them. I had to search for them on my own. And another level of trauma is just having to type into the search bar. stillbirth support resources, what to do when your baby dies. Who do I talk to? Nobody wants to type that stuff. And so we have a resource card in there that has everything you need straight down to supportive Instagram accounts so that you don't have to type. Certain things into that search bar. I'm just telling you, Hey, these people are great. You might want to take a look at their page for support. You don't have to go looking for it. It's all right here for you to, you know, pick and choose whatever fits best for you. But you know, I think it's the teacher in me giving options, giving people options and, you know, just lots of different avenues for them to find success in this grief journey. Has been my, my mission and just my, It's my job as Aaliyah's mom to do it, that's, that's like the easiest way I can say it like that. It is my job. It keeps me up at night. It keeps me busy just like she would. So to see this organization grow, you know, at first I thought maybe just a few hospitals in D. C. would be interested and now we're approaching 60. So definitely not what I had envisioned, but Certainly, it shows how much it's needed. And I'm happy to provide for families like us because it feels like you are alone, but you are not.

Mandy: 41:38

Wow. That's incredible. And I hope it continues to grow across the country because there, there is such a huge need and it's not being filled right now. And so, you know, as, as much as this is an awful, awful experience, you know, I'm so glad that you're using it to help other parents who. And if people are interested in finding out more about your organization, how can they do that? Where can they find you? So

Liz: 42:07

www. AaliyahInAction. org and Aaliyah is spelled A A L I Y A H. And also on social media, it's just at AaliyahInAction. We are a nonprofit and it's been a journey. I had no idea how to, how to start this before, but I have learned so much and I am so happy to support families. So, you know, please reach out if you are looking for support because we will get you a package if you need one.

Mandy: 42:38

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and feel empowered to reach out to Liz if you've been through a stillbirth or would like resources for someone who has. If you would like to know if your local hospital is participating in Aaliyah in Action by providing these self care packages, her contact information will be in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. Please make sure you subscribe, share this episode with anyone who could benefit from it, and as always, visit RememberGrams anytime you need to send a little love to someone who is grieving. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.